Advice: When "Merry Christmas" Means "Bless Your Heart" 

Question: Since you
write so often about the fact that “language matters,” I’m curious whether it’s
OK to wish friends and colleagues a “Merry Christmas.” When some people say it,
I sometimes feel that there’s a subliminal message of evangelical Christianity with
all its trappings, including homophobia. So, is it “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukkah,”
or “Happy Holidays”? 

Answer: Actually, I think you have it a
bit turned around, my friend. You may not have heard, but there is a hushed
(and sometimes not so hushed) “War on Christmas.” Conservatives (whether
Christian or not, I can’t say for sure) complain that the milquetoast greeting “Happy
Holidays!” is an effort by a “Jon Stewart-Stephen Colbert-Nancy Pelosi-Barney
Frank” conspiracy to kill off Christmas as we know it. Apparently, their nefarious
goal is to have no more “Santa Baby,” no more White House Christmas tree, and no
more jolly greetings of “Merry Christmas!”

If anything, Gov. Rick Perry has only
added to this conspiracy with his recent television ad, where he stated: "There's
something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but
our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school," If Gov. Perry wished me a “Merry
Christmas,” I’d take it in the same way that southerners often say, with a
treacly smile, “Bless your heart” — which Urban Dictionary defines as, “A phrase
used by Southern women to excuse themselves for speaking ill of someone else.”
Or in common parlance: Nasty-nice.

Here’s the etiquette problem
that Perry and others are using to score political points: Lots of faiths and
cultures celebrate something at this time of year. Wishing someone a Merry Christmas
makes the assumption that the object of your cheery greeting celebrates, well,
Christmas — when in fact that person may celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa,
the winter solstice, or some other year-end holiday.  Using something non-denominational like “Season’s Greetings”
or “Happy Holidays” is a way to acknowledge this festive time without making
any assumption about the person’s religious beliefs. Some Christians, however,
get bent out of shape about that – thus the “keep Christ in Christmas” and “the
reason for the season” campaign and the distinctly un-festive uproar over
neutralizing the holiday.

If you remember, it was
just about a year ago at this time that NPR’s Nina Totenberg drew the
considerable wrath of the Fox News crowd when she called a “holiday party” a “Christmas
party” and then apologized (“forgive the expression”) for her alleged faux pas.
Conservative bloggers went crazy accusing Totenberg of having drunk too much “holiday”
eggnog — although they really meant to say she had drunk a flavor of Kool-Aid
favored by liberals.

So, Egads, what to say
when you mean to make nice? As I’ve said often before, intention is one of the
guideposts we should pay most attention to. The other day the UPS fellow
dropped off a box at my front door and after I signed for it wished me a “Merry
Christmas.” As a half-Jew, I took absolutely no offense; in fact, I wished him
the same.

But a year ago this month,
I tuned into an AM radio station just as the host shouted out, with a nasty snarl,
"Merry Christmas!" before launching into a diatribe about how the dominant
religion (that would be Christianity) in this country is now being infringed
upon — that is, silenced — by the minority (that would be everyone else). Believe
me, I was offended.

Some participants in this
cultural war of words are people like, Amanda Barnes Cook, an out Christmas celebrant,
who jumped into a conversation about this on my Facebook page, writing sagely: “Personally I like to say ‘Happy Holidays’ because it's more
inclusive.” And there’s no likelihood of foot-in-mouth disease — unless you are
among those trying to banish Christmas from the planet. Honestly, though, I can’t
seem to find any of them. (But if I’ve missed you, please raise your hand.) In
my experience, folks who say “Happy Holidays” are likely just trying to show
good manners, and not offend non-Christians.

So, here’s
the take-away: If Gov. Perry or any of his Tea Party Santas wish you a “Merry
Christmas,” take it for what it is — a veiled (and they think polite) way to express
their political agenda. For the rest of us, here’s my advice: If you know
someone celebrates Christmas, wish that person a merry one. If they’re Jewish,
it’s “Happy Hanukkah.” And if you don’t know a friend or a colleague’s  seasonal persuasion or had too much bourbon-laced
eggnog,  stick with the slightly
generic but one-size-fits-all greeting, “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s
Greetings.”

And for now, “Happy
New Year to One and All. Bless your hearts!” 

Steven Petrow is the author of Steven
Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found
online at www.gaymanners.com.
Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com
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and Twitter.