9 More Warnings Scruff Could Send Its Users

The popular hook-up app Scruff recently introduced a new feature that warns users if they're in one of the more than 100 countries that arrests and punishes those engaging in gay sex. The technology couldn't come a minute too soon, with nations like Saudia Arabia and Egypt reportedly entrapping users of hook-up technology.

The Scruff team is to be applauded for helping make their users safer, and it got us wondering what other warnings they could issue to users here in the United States. We have some suggestions:

WARNING: Right-wing swarm
At least five users in your area have been identified as conservative leaders, including politicians and religious figureheads, who have made it their life mission to demonize gay people. Consider meeting them only to throw a pie in their face or, alternately, destroy their career.

WARNING: Profile pictures cannot be authenticated
Users have flagged numerous photos in the area as fraudulent, or simply taken during the 'Aughts. Assume all users are currently 10-15 years older and 20 lbs. heavier than they claim.

WARNING: Severe shortage of users in area
There are less than five users within 50 miles of your current location. You can keep searching over and over but no more men will appear.

WARNING: Irony overload in your area
Your supposedly straight co-worker, as well as your friend in a relationship -- the one who always fawns over his boyfriend on Instagram -- and that ex-boyfriend who swore "he'd never use that f*@#ing thing" are all online and nearby.

WARNING: Time-sucking user overload
At least 75 percent of users in your area have been flagged as time-suckers; the kind of men who message back-and-forth for hours, if not days, but refuse to actually be in another user's presence. The only pleasure you'll be getting this evening is from avoiding doing laundry.

WARNING: Repeat programming alert
You've slept with at least 75 percent of users currently online; another 5 percent you previously messaged with before you realized you knew each other and it got weird. Please check back later.

WARNING: Severe beard shortage reported
You have now entered an area where numerous gay men are shaving their faces and, in some extreme cases, their groin areas. Merkin stores are available in your area.

WARNING: Excessive boyfriend-seekers in area
Many users have reported the presence of those searching for love and commitment among other Scruff users. Please proceed with caution.

WARNING: Users severely taxing Internet infrastructure
Local bandwidth is at the breaking point due to extremely high use of this app. Consider leaving your home and attempting to meet someone in person. Or just check back in 20 minutes.