CONTACTStaffCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
© 2024 Pride Publishing Inc.
All Rights reserved
All Rights reserved
By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.
Fucking Holidays! I have never been a bah-humbugger, but this year I realized that something had changed. I was surprisingly melancholic: Why? I was childless (not new), parentless (not new), and partnerless (new). I have begun to notice that when childless, single clients of a certain age lose their last parent, there is often a seismic shift in their world. Not everyone feels these things. I hadn't expected to be one who does. Wrong again. I feel somewhat unmoored. Siblings and nieces and nephews and friends fill the void, but there is still that biological/karmic hole, no blood relation immediately above or below.
My father, the amazing Lou, died just before Thanksgiving five years ago. My brothers and my extended family have been ever-present, before and after. However, this was my first Thanksgiving without my ex. In the past, we had trekked to Jersey, the Upper West Side, Salt Lake City. This year he was working and I was with a delightful gathering of friends in Brooklyn. I missed him ... I missed us.
My mood wasn't helped by Thanksgiving being the anniversary of the death of a beloved once-upon-a-time lover, or that my ex's aunt who died mysteriously this past summer always hosted Thanksgiving (we went to her before going to my family). Loss. Getting older does include continuing losses.
In the last year, a new grandniece was born, two of my nieces have been engaged, and there is a grandnephew in utero. Gains!
I have written about being newly single. I do expect to have another partner and all that that will bring. Being childless is a bigger issue I realize, as it is not something that is likely to change.
I remember when I came out to my mother. The first words out of her mouth: "You would've been such a wonderful father!" My response: "I don't preclude having children."
"Oh, you might adopt," she said.
"Or have my own ... " I immediately rejoindered to her immense surprise.
Having a child was not something I was going to give up just because I was gay. I was in my 20s, so I didn't have to figure it out right away. Today, it would be a no-brainer: adoption, surrogacy, egg donor, whatever. We weren't so sophisticated in the '70s. By the time I was ready to seriously consider fatherhood, AIDS had entered the picture. I mourned losing the chance to be a biological father because of my HIV-positive status (again, today, it would be doable). I also hesitated to imagine adopting, as my own lifespan was so particularly unpredictable. Now both my brothers are grandfathers, and I'm not that much younger than they. I'd like to just skip to being a grandfather!
Being childless is not a gay issue. It is also not necessarily a default position. I know happily married heterosexual couples in their 70s and 40s and 30s who have chosen not to have children. Let us not forget that there are too many people on this planet.
Besides, when the wishful parent talks about having a child, they are usually imagining healthy, well-adjusted children who bring joy and satisfaction. We don't usually sign on for the hard realities that often come with parenthood. Some of my friends joke ruefully about it -- "What was I thinking?" -- as they struggle with the emotional and financial drain of troubled adult children. In most cases, aging parents are no picnic either.
My other brother is particularly adept at staying in touch as well. And I have truly extraordinary friends! In a sense I am well taken care of. I just lack those grandkids ...
In the midst of writing this, I went to have dinner with one of my cool nieces. We were discussing being parentless (which she is not) and childless (which she currently is). We talked about the possibility of her having a child on her own, if Mr. Right doesn't come along in the next few years. As she discussed her concern about her support system for single motherhood, I found myself given the opportunity to really look at being a "grandparent" to her not-yet-conceived child, a full-out commitment of time and resources. I offered this as an option. I fully expect that she will meet the father of her children, but you never know ...
As often happens, when I let myself explore my sadness or feelings of lack, I find myself buoyed by all that I do have, all the possibilities ... A wise friend taught me that the glass is neither half full nor half empty, it is both. Life is full and empty. Light and shadow. Love and suffering. I am singular and part of a family. I live alone and I have community.
Living and loving fully allow us to be delighted and dismayed all at once: The New 60!
Want more breaking equality news & trending entertainment stories?
Check out our NEW 24/7 streaming service: the Advocate Channel!
Download the Advocate Channel App for your mobile phone and your favorite streaming device!
From our Sponsors
Most Popular
Here Are Our 2024 Election Predictions. Will They Come True?
November 07 2023 1:46 PM
Meet all 37 of the queer women in this season's WNBA
April 17 2024 11:24 AM
17 Celebs Who Are Out & Proud of Their Trans & Nonbinary Kids
November 30 2023 10:41 AM
Here Are the 15 Most LGBTQ-Friendly Cities in the U.S.
November 01 2023 5:09 PM
Which State Is the Queerest? These Are the States With the Most LGBTQ+ People
December 11 2023 10:00 AM
These 27 Senate Hearing Room Gay Sex Jokes Are Truly Exquisite
December 17 2023 3:33 PM
10 Cheeky and Homoerotic Photos From Bob Mizer's Nude Films
November 18 2023 10:05 PM
42 Flaming Hot Photos From 2024's Australian Firefighters Calendar
November 10 2023 6:08 PM
These Are the 5 States With the Smallest Percentage of LGBTQ+ People
December 13 2023 9:15 AM
Here are the 15 gayest travel destinations in the world: report
March 26 2024 9:23 AM
Watch Now: Advocate Channel
Trending Stories & News
For more news and videos on advocatechannel.com, click here.
Trending Stories & News
For more news and videos on advocatechannel.com, click here.
Latest Stories
Biden will hammer Trump over abortion bans in Florida speech
April 23 2024 5:00 AM
Tristan Snell, who brought down Trump University, sees conviction in hush money case
April 22 2024 7:36 PM
Joe Biden admin marks Earth Day with major environmental initiatives
April 22 2024 4:18 PM
Texas Gov. Greg Abbott: 'We want to end' trans and gender nonconforming teachers
April 22 2024 4:13 PM
Nonbinary 17-year-old killed two years after being reported missing
April 22 2024 3:46 PM
Pride
Yahoo FeedIndulge in luxury and sensuality with The Pride Store’s Taurus gift guide
April 22 2024 11:46 AM
The gay man leading the Earth Day Initiative offers hope for the future
April 22 2024 9:00 AM
Pattie Gonia takes drag and fierceness to Capitol Hill to voice environmental concerns
April 22 2024 8:23 AM
Jodie Foster leaves her mark in cement at L.A.'s Chinese Theatre
April 22 2024 7:55 AM
Climate change has a bigger impact on LGBTQ+ couples than straight couples. Here's how
April 22 2024 7:42 AM
Iraq postpones vote on bill punishing gay sex with death
April 20 2024 1:31 PM
Russian poetry contest bans entries from transgender poets
April 20 2024 1:25 PM
Here's who won 'RuPaul's Drag Race' season 16
April 20 2024 1:01 PM