Angela Patton

I am what is called a "closet case." I was raised in a Christian home where homosexuality didn't exist. Knowing what I was but fearing it, I pretended to be like all my friends, talking about guys at school. Without realizing it, I became a homophobe in public.

Then in high school I started watching Queer as Folk. I loved it from the first episode.

I was obsessed, but my obsession was kept a secret. I would sneak downstairs after everyone was in bed and watch it.

Sometime after that I was approached by a friend who also watched the show. It was great! She was straight, yet she watched a gay show! Her sister is bisexual, and they invited me to go with them to the 2003 pride parade in Cincinnati. I think that was when I finally came to terms with the fact that I was a closeted lesbian. I felt like I actually belonged, like I was meant to be there.

My mother wasn't pleased when she found out what the parade really was. I had told her it was a "rainbow festival." She says that she's not homophobic, but when it comes to her own daughter, I think she is. After going to the parade I vowed to come out to my mom, so I allowed her to find out about my obsession with Queer as Folk, my collection of pride trinkets, and my subscriptions to The Advocate and Out. She seems distant and uninterested, but I do have to give her credit; I think she's trying.

More than anything I want for my family and friends to know more about the real me, but I fear losing everything I have if they do. It sounds stupid, but this fear has been there for years, and even now I'm scared out of my mind of what writing this will bring. But I have to take a chance if I ever want to be happy. I'm 20 and I've never been in love. I've never been kissed or been on a date. In fact, I've never been asked out or had anyone interested in me. Why? Because I'm a closet case who won't let anyone touch her.