Haylin, a marriage and family therapist who grew up as what she calls a “super ultraconservative Christian,” thought she was being accepting of her child, Mat, when he came out, first as gay or bisexual in fifth grade, later as a transgender male. But she found she had a lot to learn, she says in a new short documentary in the Trevor Project’s Learn With Love series.
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“I really felt like I was being so progressive,” the Honolulu resident says in Learn With Love: Haylin and Mat. But she told Mat he couldn’t wear certain things to church, like shirts with LGBTQ+ slogans.
Eventually, they had a major fight over the issue. “You’re expecting me to hide a certain part of myself,” Mat said to Haylin, as she recalls in the video. He asked if she was truly accepting and if she was ashamed of his identity. “And that was a big turning point for me,” she says.
“Before I came out, I always knew that my mom was, you know, supportive but just not really understanding,” says Mat, now 17. “I knew she had a very limited view.”
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Haylin says she was never anti-LGBTQ+ and considered herself progressive because she participated in Pride events. But “it’s so different when it’s your own child,” she says, adding, “I really thought I did something wrong. … I just equated being trans to being troubled.” Then she worried Mat would suffer because of his trans identity, and finally she set out to assure that he’d have a successful life.
When he asked for gender-affirming care, she was initially against it. Now she sees the treatment has made him the well-adjusted person he is today. “I will say without a doubt that the ‘T’ has really helped,” she says, referring to Mat’s testosterone treatment. He has been able to leave his comfort zone, getting involved in performing and directing.
Having his mother firmly on his side rather than being “iffy,” Mat says, gave him more room to explore “what I wanted and what it meant for me.”
But Haylin has had to defend Mat’s identity and treatment to family and friends. It took her years of professional help to become a strong advocate who can stand up to them, she notes. She’s had family meetings without Mat present and has told relatives, “If you’re going to keep saying that Mat’s going to go to hell, we’re not going to come to dinner anymore.”
Finding few resources for LGBTQ+ youth in Hawaii, Haylin founded Spill the Tea Café, a mental health clinic and safe space for them. It was a way for her to build community as well, she says.
Mat opens up about life as a trans teen in a new Trevor Project documentary.courtesy The Trevor Project
She advises parents whose children come out as trans to drown out the voices of others as well as their own inner voices, and “try to truly listen to your kid.” Going through their transition is going to be a long process, “but the number one thing that your kid needs is your acceptance,” she says.
“After I realized everyone accepted me and was loving, I got to find more of my personality,” Mat adds.
Acceptance will keep your child alive and allow them to thrive, Haylin says. “Mat is actually the same kid he always was,” she adds. “And it’s just I had to take some time to learn that.”
The new film is part of a three-year campaign by the Trevor Project sharing real-life stories of LGBTQ+ youth to raise public awareness, foster understanding, and ultimately help end suicide among this population.
Related: A trans woman and her mother open up about acceptance and learning with love in new Trevor Project video
LGBTQ+ young people are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide compared to their straight and cisgender peers, according to the Trevor Project. The organization estimates that more than 1.8 million LGBTQ+ young people (ages 13-24) seriously consider suicide each year in the U.S., and at least one attempts suicide every 45 seconds. But supportive parents make a difference.
“Every young person deserves to grow up in a community that supports and accepts them. Yet, for LGBTQ+ young people, and transgender youth in particular, this is too often not their experience,” Trevor Project CEO Jaymes Black said in a press release. “As we continue to witness widespread misinformation and stereotypes about transgender young people in the U.S., we must pay better attention to real stories from real transgender youth. I am beyond grateful to Haylin and Mat for sharing their powerful story – and showing audiences everywhere that even if a parent doesn’t understand everything about their child, they can still love and support them unconditionally. When LGBTQ+ youth, like Mat, have supportive parents, their odds of suicide risk lower significantly. And their ability to thrive? That skyrockets.”
If you or someone you know needs mental health resources and support, please call, text, or chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or visit 988lifeline.org for 24/7 access to free and confidential services. Trans Lifeline, designed for transgender or gender-nonconforming people, can be reached at (877) 565-8860. The lifeline also provides resources to help with other crises, such as domestic violence situations. The Trevor Project Lifeline, for LGBTQ+ youth (ages 24 and younger), can be reached at (866) 488-7386. Users can also access chat services at TheTrevorProject.org/Help or text START to 678678.
Haylin and Mat share a hug and smiles.courtesy The Trevor Project
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