The Roses are back, and Schitt's Creek fans are a mess.
After what feels like an endless hiatus, Pop TV has released a 30-second teaser trailer for the Emmy-nominated comedy's sixth and final season, showing our favorite, formerly-wealthy family strolling past the iconic Rosebud Motel in formal attire.
With more than six weeks to go before the season premiere, all we can do is revisit the previous seasons (which we've rewatched way too many times already) and try to guess how this hilarious, heartwarming story is going to end.
Spoilers and speculation ahead, so if you're not caught up on the show yet, hurry over to Netflix and then come back.
When's the wedding?
It seems pretty safe to say that the nuptials of David Rose and Patrick Brewer will be a key storyline of Season 6. The nice thing about their love story is that Dan Levy already promised they'll get the satisfying, happy ending they deserve; so whatever happens, we know they're going to be fine. In the meantime, there are so many ways the wedding could go delightfully off the rails, just by gathering their family and friends in the same room. I'm personally hoping we get to reconnect with Patrick's ex-fiancée Rachel, who never really got closure after learning he was gay in Season 4. And what if some sleazy ex of David's turns up, leading to an undignified Bridget Jones's Diary-style slap fight? The possibilities are endless.
At the very least, we can expect a few meltdowns from David, as Levy hinted in an interview with Out. "He's certainly not chill on the best of days. So his own wedding, I don't think will necessarily be a casual experience for anybody, him in particular, but it is a fun prospect of seeing how he'll handle that... Bottom line, not well."
What's Patrick going to sing for us?
You can't tell me that Patrick would serenade David in one of television's most romantic scenes in Season 4, put on eyeliner and suspenders and perform "Willkommen" from Cabaret in Season 5, and then prepare for his wedding day in the final season and be like "Nah, I'm good." I know there's new music on the way from actor/musician Noah Reid (last spotted standing in a creek wearing waders and drinking PBR, because Canada), but he must have set time aside to record a soulful acoustic cover of some pop diva or other. Could it be Elton John? Maybe even some Mariah Carey? Whatever the song ends up being, I fully expect to be sobbing on the floor by the end of it.
How weird are the sweaters going to get?
Never imagined I'd get nostalgic about seasonally inappropriate knitwear, but here we are. This will be our last chance to appreciate David's endless collection of designer sweaters, and people are already starting to miss them. Earlier this year, a Schitt's Creek director posted an on-set photo to Instagram that was quickly taken down, presumably to avoid plot spoilers; but not before ever-vigilant fans identified this elaborate Rick Owens number.
And I honestly have nothing but admiration for the Schitt's Creek costume department — David's style getting softer and more playful with each passing season is one of the best character development cues I've come across — but at the same time, What. Is That? Did they staple a tote bag to a sweatshirt? Is that how fashion works? I'm very confused.
I'm not even going to ask about the dizzying heights of haute couture to which Moira will no doubt ascend. We'll never be ready. Embrace it.
What does Moira's happy ending look like?
The Season 5 finale was mostly full of excitement over David and Patrick's engagement and the community theater's surprisingly brilliant performance of Cabaret, but we left things on a worrying note when Moira found out her B-list horror movie The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening, which she was counting on as her ticket out of Schitt's Creek, had been shelved indefinitely. While everyone else in the family has grown attached to the town and found happiness there, Moira seemed to fall right back to where she was in Season 1: hiding in the closet, wailing and feeling trapped. Will she learn to be content staying close to her family, directing musicals and going to soap opera fan conventions like she did last season? Or is she going to be more determined to leave than ever?
Will Stevie set sail or stay put?
Another storyline that remains up in the air is Stevie Budd, the reluctant, sarcastic owner of the Rosebud Motel. She's talked about wanting to escape a lonely life in Schitt's Creek throughout the series, and a failed relationship last season brought her to her lowest point as she watched everyone else's lives flourishing around her. But she's also basically become part of the Rose family by now, and her amazing turn as Sally Bowles in Cabaret hints at big things ahead for her.
Just after the Season 5 finale, Emily Hampshire told The Advocate, "It's going to be satisfying for every character, and I think, again, surprising. I'm constantly surprised when we get the storylines — like, wow, Stevie's doing this? And it's never just a show gimmick, it's always profound. I think everyone is going to be sad that it ends, but grateful that it did in that way, and was done right by. So I think everybody will be happy for Stevie."
What does Twyla's tarot card reading mean?
One of the biggest hints we got about the upcoming season came from Schitt's Creek's adorably weird cafe owner Twyla, who gave Ted and Alexis a tarot card reading just before their planned trip to the Galapagos Islands. Instead of calming Alexis' nerves, Twyla ominously predicted "a boat capsizing, people screaming, and a couple underwater, and then it sort of fades to black," and later "a party, people dressed up all fancy in black... like a funeral."
While we can reasonably assume that Ted and Alexis aren't going to die in a boating accident, this certainly sounds like bad news for somebody, and I doubt the Galapagos trip is going to go smoothly. Annie Murphy hinted as much to The Advocate earlier this year, saying the journey with Ted is a big step that Alexis "may or may not do in Season 6."
But at the end of this episode, when Alexis goes back to the cafe to ask for another reading, Twyla says, "I flipped the Ten of Cups, and I saw your family with this big golden ring of light around them, like you all had something to celebrate. It's going to be a good year, Alexis. You're on the right path." The golden ring apparently means "prosperity... either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle" — does that mean the Rose family will somehow get their fortune back? Is the fancy party actually a celebration? We'll have to wait and see.
Are they going to sell the town?
With everything that's happened to the Roses over the last five years, it's easy to forget what they set out to do in Season 1: fix up the town to raise its property value, sell it, and go back to their old lives. Now with Moira on the town council, Johnny and Stevie winning awards for their renovation of the Rosebud Motel, and David and Patrick supporting local businesses through Rose Apothecary, Schitt's Creek is in much better shape than it used to be, enough to catch a potential buyer's attention. But if someone makes an offer, would the Roses still want to leave? I can't imagine David selling his store and moving when Schitt's Creek is the only place he's really been happy, but I also have trouble picturing Moira settling down in a small town for the rest of her life. There could be some tough decisions ahead.
And this is pure speculation, but I always found it odd that the gross businessman who offered $1 million for the town in Season 1 slipped into a coma before he could sign the papers, rather than outright dying. The show has no problem offing minor characters for a bit of dark comedy — "Dead Guy in Room 4," anyone? — so why keep this guy clinging to life if he's never coming back? And if he does come back, would the Roses want to sell to someone who doesn't have the community's best interests at heart?
I don't really have a question here, I just wanted to look at it some more.
The sixth and final season of Schitt's Creek premieres on Pop TV on Tuesday, Jan. 7 at 9 p.m. Eastern.