Better Late Than Never

It is no surprise to me that older people are coming out now, because the times and culture decades ago were so much more ignorant, and hence more oppressive against being yourself. Another aspect is that the human flaw for control is too often misguided towards others. We has a species need to learn to give other people their freedom of space, speech, and sex. Live And Let Live should be part of the culture of a Free Society.

I am enjoying reading the comments here. There's a lot of people who are telling their late-in-life discoveries. I was 34 before I ever put the pieces together. I just never married, thinking I hadn't found the right girl. I was raised a Christian, and still am, despite the fact that the church beneath my feet has shaken a bit, especially when I came out. I hurt for the people who don't know, or who don't have the context--like me--to be able to put the pieces together. It was never a possibility to me that a person could BE gay---just that he or she could ACT gay. It's such a relief--to know that it's not wrong, to know that a person can be gay and be a Christian, to know that it's not the end of the world if you come out. There's just a lot of special effects the first few moments. I hope ADVOCATE does a real, follow up article--interviewing lots of people who came out late. Obviously there's a need in the community to highlight this group.

This article describes my life. I knew from the age of 4 that I lwas atracted the same sex. In junior hig (1969) I learned how "wrong" this was and dove into the closet. I dated several girls, but didn't get serious enough to marry the only woman I have ever slept with when I was 25. That marriage was stormy because of her suspicions that I was gay. She was a fundamentalist Christian. We raised our three kids in the church and when I came out it was only after the life-changing event of our separation and eventual divorce. I came out to myself at the age of 41. I carefully chose who to come out to after that still with one foot in the closet, until I was outed at work and to my parents. I feel so free now. Life in the closet gave me three wonderful children, two of whom have come to terms with having a gay father, and one who is working on it. Thank you for this story. Chuck Hart

It was certainly easy to see myself in this article. Realized that I was gay (homosexual) in 1973 as a 7th grader -- promptly understood, based on our school's 'Health Education" class, that my home would be in the deep recesses of the closet. My career path (public school educator in very rural districts) enforced the necessity of being 110% closeted. For a career that was my life-long dream, I was willing to sacrifice my personal life to maintain my career - - but I wasn't destined to make it through to retirement. Only about a decade short of qualifying for my full 80% pension, I was "outed" based solely on suspicions of my employer that related to the fact that I was 48 and had never been married and I chose to buy a new car that he described as one only driven by women or gay men. I had just changed districts to be nearer family and business responsibilities so was not protected by tenure law nor any helpful employment regulations (although I was a 20+ year member of my union) -- was an "at will" employee (all teachers with less than 5 years service to a particular district in IL) so could be dismissed without justification. At 50, I find myself unemployed (for 19 months and counting) and in the position of changing careers at a time when I should have been making plans for my retirement and full-time Airstreaming.

Wow,read the article on Meridith Baxters comming out and it hit me like a ton of bricks making me realize that I too a male of 62 and being married 4 times with children has kept me out of what I really am.My wife of 22 years knew I was in a gay state but I've been trying to be what I don't want to be so I can relate very well to Ms.Baxters dilema and I agree with the other in Columbia which now has sparked an interest for me to look into.I am continually around women and feel like one most of the time but I look like a normal everyday male..Surprize,I'm attracted to certain types of men and I would like to see myself in a monogamous relationship with some one who is compatable..Since I live in South America,Columbia may be the answer.I know that I'm gay inside but the community I live in makes it even more difficult especially someone my age.All I can say at this point is I'm working towards being happy and would like to spend my life as a gay male..good luck out there..Eryn...

After a marriage of over 30 years ended, and with two grown children, I was finally able to accept the person I really was. I no longer had to hide who I was or what I did. I celebrated the relief and freedom I now feel and the openess that comes with it. I decided that coming out was healthier for me than the lies I lived for so many years. When I was younger I dealt with the shame and guilt that keep me in the closet. I am now able to enjoy my life as it was meant to be.

The younger gays, today, are always amazed that it took so long for the more august ones to come out. Perhaps a bit of history might enlighten them. In the end, it's one's feeling of self worth that outweighs society's strictures and enables one to live one's life as it was meant to be lived. Polonius, in Shakespear's Hamlet, puts it so much more clearly. 'This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not be false to any man'. Notice, there is no time stamp placed on that admonition. Each of us does it in our own time, and rather than questioning the the time it took, we should celebrate their "coming of age". Each emergence weakens society's power to circumscribe our lives by one more person. That's reason enough to break out the champagne.

During WWll, homosexuality was considered a form of mental illness and gays were institutionalized and given shock treatments. As a young boy, this was something I wanted to avoid. Hid deep in the closet all through school, got "religion" so God could cure me, didn't work. Got married and raised a family to get over it, didn't work. Now in so deep saw no way of getting out. Finally, in my mid-seventies, after getting legally married, enough was enough. Finally comfortable with who I am and completely out..

Excellent article. Thanks! Sometimes the "wake-up call" can come in the form of an illness, too. I have a novel out right now called, Seeking Sara Summers, about a married mom with three grown children who falls in love with her best female friend a year or so after being diagnosed with breast cancer. The illness makes her re-evaluate her life and want to live with more authenticity. This doesn't mean that she sees herself as a lesbian, but that she feels free to love whomever makes her feel more vitally alive. Susan Gabriel author of Seeking Sara Summers

This article has been heloful as it describes me perfectly. I also spent most of my life with a dual personality, a public, straight me and an "inner self", true me. I've known my sexual orientation since childhood and despite having gay friends in my youth could never come to grips with coming out, it was the late 60's-70's. Hence only I knew my inner self, and despite having been married I made a firm decision to change that 2 years ago. And now I realize that perhaps I didn't really know myself; why did it take so long? Even I cannot answer that. All I know is that after using a few websites and doing some dating I met the true love of my life: a guy who's a few years older and had been in a long, stale relationship. We are so happy now, I cannot quite describe how awesome it is. There's no use wondering about the past so all I'm doing is revel in finally having found myself, and providing love and support to my new partner.