BY David Moretti

March 17 2010 7:05 PM ET

DAVID MORETTI G LIST NEW X390 (COURTESY) | ADVOCATE.COM

If you go to Crunch, your gym choice says you can’t afford Equinox,
but tell people you “prefer the classes” (like strip aerobics, pole
dancing, or booty slide) so that you still appear to be a gym snob. You
know we know this is bullshit. Your workout is secondary to
planning the events of the coming evening (generally, margaritas at
Marix) or scoring a date with the fresh-off-the-bus hottie on treadmill 8
who hasn’t slept with the whole city yet. You secretly enjoy the cruisy
atmosphere, even if you say you just ignore it. Your eyes get more
exercise than your biceps do. If you are an actor and work out here, you
have one or two big credits under your belt, but you are still budget-
conscious because you probably don’t know when you will work next. You
make sure to always have a script on hand to flaunt to the casual
observer, even if you may not even be auditioning for a part. This shows
everyone you are doing just fine while working your way up the Hollywood
ranks — even if such may not be the case.

If you work out at
Gold’s, your gym choice says you are serious about fitness and
socializing in equal parts. You appreciate the layout of the place, as
it appeals to the serious fitness enthusiast and Chatty Cathy
alike. You’re probably a body builder, a mid-level Hollywood type, or a
muscle bear from Silver Lake. You believe the loudness of your grunt and
the number of plates on the bar is directly proportional to the size of
your penis. You have a tattoo or will have one within a month of
joining — or you are in the process of removing that one mistake-tat from
spring break ’92. There’s a good chance you think of deodorant as a
luxury and not a necessity and probably don’t wax or shave anything
except your eyebrows. You also know exactly what it means to have a
folded bandanna in your back pocket. You may or may not do steroids, but
you definitely appreciate a good tan — often après gym — and a long, lingering
post-workout shower in a social scene that rivals the Abbey, but without
clothes. As an actor, you would be in the minority here and would
probably secretly prefer to be on the cover of Men’s Health than in a
feature film but would take either. Or you may be on the show
Glee
(almost the entire cast has been spotted here.)

If you work
out at 24 Hour Fitness, your gym choice says you may be
straight — it’s not likely, but it’s possible (a few actually do work out
here). You may be in the closet, a penny pincher, or easily scammed
into a crazy long membership. If you are an actor, you are still trying
to get your break. You still audition for student films with no pay and
moonlight as a waiter or bartender. Much like extras on a movie set who
don’t shut up about being the nephew of Spielberg and having the lead
in his next feature, you probably also constantly talk about how great
you are doing in some The Secret kind of way, or you’re paying it
forward, and you don’t realize how this comes across as kind of
pathetic. More sweat is beading off your brow from the thought of your
credit card balance, due to the 17 acting classes you are currently
enrolled in, than from your workout.





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