Keeping It Fresh
BY Baz Hawkins
August 18 2009 11:00 PM ET
Are you still residing in Mobile, Ala.?I packed up my trailer and hit the road when I started the tour. It’s sitting in Florida right now and I’m just praying to Jesus that it don’t blow away in one of them hurrycanes that they get down there. But I’ve been all over the country on this tour and it doesn’t look like it’s going to be ending anytime soon. As a matter of fact, after the Jubilee I’m heading to Scotland, which is somewhere not in America, for the month of August to take the show internationally for the first time. I don’t even know if they got food in Scotland, so the whole thing might go badly, but I’m excited anyway.
Any plans after that?Well, I’m lucky enough to be performing on one of those Atlantis gay cruises, which is how I found out about homosecticles in the first place. I’ve done 26 of them now. I feel like a nun when I go on them, though; all those men and none of ‘em wants to shoot his cruise missile into my bomb shelter, if you know what I mean. But it’s nice to see how the other half live, and by “other half” I mean the people that the Bible makes such a fuss about, along with shrimp and pork. I guess the Bible writers never knew how much crazy fun the gays can be. And I love me some BBQ pork ribs and shrimp cocktail just as much as the next good Christian.
I’m sure since you spent some time in California, you’re familiar with the gay marriage issue. Any thoughts on that?As someone who was born and raised in Mobile, Ala., we’re just a little more conservative. Meaning, we’ll smile and say nice things to your face and damn you to hell when you walk away; it’s part of our endearing Southern charm. But at the end of the day, I really can’t understand for one second why people are workin’ so hard to destroy the little bit of love people seem to have left for one another in this world. If a consenting adult wants to get crazy in the bedroom with a midget, a dog, a jar of peanut butter, a trampoline, and a 40th-anniversary collector's DVD of The Sound of Music, well, that’s between them and the dog… and the midget, ‘cause I’m sure he’s going to be holding the camcorder. If I can do it, you should be able to. It just don’t make sense to me, but then again, neither did the ThighMaster.
Well, thank you, Dixie. How can our readers find out where they can see Dixie’s Tupperware Party?Go to my website, DixieLongate.com, and that’ll tell you when my show is coming to a trailer park near you. Or if you need food storage right away, just buy crap securely right through the website. Either way, you’ll feel like you have a little piece of me every time you open your Tupperware and say, “Dang, this still tastes good!“