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The Lost Language of Kickball

For some gay and lesbian adults, having been chosen last in P.E. class inflicts a wound they still feel today, keeping them from enjoying sports and wreaking havoc on their self-esteem. Judy Kamilhor examines the "chosen-last syndrome" and other traumatic childhood sports experiences -- and shows how to overcome them.
An Advocate.com exclusive posted May 18, 2007
The Lost Language of Kickball

Life as we know it changed for a lot of people in 1969. There was the first man on the moon, the "Miracle Mets" upsetting the heavily favored Baltimore Orioles to win their first baseball World Series—and the beginning of the end of my family. While my father, older brother, and I were at Shea Stadium in Queens, N.Y., for game 3 of that series, a tumor was growing in my mother's brain. She was dead before my next birthday, and we had to carry on without the driving force of our family.

Baseball was my first passion, and the New York Mets were my first chosen tribe. They provided the stability I didn't get at home. One of the last things my mother did for me, between hospital stays and five-day-a-week chemotherapy sessions, was to get me into the Forest Hills Lassie League when I was 9, one year earlier than the girls' softball league allowed. She knew I would need something to throw myself into once she was gone. My father later told me that she did this in spite of her fear that my passion for sports meant I would become a lesbian.

I was a tomboy from day one. Almost as soon as I could walk, I began to run, jump, and play baseball, football, and other games with neighborhood kids. I played schoolyard punchball and kickball in elementary school. Only one boy was a better athlete, and he later played in the United States Football League, a short-lived competitor to the National Football League. People who saw me play sports would often ask me if I was a boy or a girl because they couldn't wrap their heads around how well I played.

A typical kickball game when I was 8 years old involved me kicking the ball over everyone's head and sprinting around the bases. In the field I would play shortstop and cover the entire field, trying to make every play myself. I was happiest when I was playing sports; I felt whole and alive. Then we all hit puberty, a curve ball I was totally unprepared for.

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Kamilhor is a writer in New York. For more information on her and her work, visit ReclaimSports.com.

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