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Straight-Acting

In this piece written exclusively for The Advocate, Angelo Pezzote — advice columnist and author of the new book Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love — examines the gay community's obsession with the idea of being "straight-acting" and how destructive it is for gay relationships and one's psyche.
An Advocate.com exclusive posted March 18, 2008
Straight-Acting

Maybe you just want more gay friends.

Maybe you're single, a great catch, and have tried everything you know to find true love -- and still nothing’s working. Perhaps you're fed up with "the scene" and wondering if there are still any good men out there. Maybe you worry you'll never find Mr. Right and be alone forever. Perhaps you're filled with envy every time you see a happy gay couple.

Maybe you're in a relationship and looking to feel closer to the man you're with. Perhaps you're tired of having the same argument. The passion in your relationship may feel like it's long gone. At times you may even wonder if you're with the right guy, but you don't want another failed relationship.

Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love (Cover) | Advocate.com

Maybe you can't quite put your finger on why it seems so hard to find a meaningful relationship that lasts with another man. You know you want deeper intimacy in your life. You're just not sure how to get it.

At times you may think of things as if something's missing. "How do I make a gay relationship work?" "I'm tired of the bars, partying, and one-night stands." "Is it all about sex?" "I'm sick of all the attitude." "How do I meet more guys outside of the steam room?" "I'll always be single." "Why does it seem impossible to meet a man for something more?" "No one wants me." "When do things get better?" "Something’s just not right."

Don't spend another day racking your brain and beating yourself up. Want to know what's getting in the way of you and your man?

It’s called straight acting.

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Reader Comments

These comments are reproduced as written by visitors to this Web site. They have not been edited for content, grammar, or spelling. The viewpoints appearing here are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the opinion or views of advocate.com, The Advocate, or its affiliates.

  • Name: Jonathan Lund
    Date posted: 2008-05-09 6:07 PM
    Hometown: Duluth, MN

    Comment:

    Many gay men who find delight in discriminating against other gay men - looks, age, amount of higher education, masculinity...unfortunately it's our obsession with porn (straight military 'meat' type sites) and our inability to separate fantasy (the men we wish we could have) versus reality (the gay men that are really out there, who apparently disappoint the majority of us). Before coming out, most of us had an idea of what other gay men would be like...gay men were like any other man, just attracted to the same sex. A decade after coming out, we discover the reality - we are not exactly the same. Some are extremely successful, many are not. Many are stuck at a 14-year-old's emotional level and seem unable or unwilling to grow up and learn how to have relationships like adults. And because gay men are still the lowest on the social totem pole, we have nobody else to attack besides each other. As long as we need to feel 'better than' other gay men, this will continue.


  • Name: Sam James
    Date posted: 2008-05-07
    Hometown: Omaha

    Comment:

    There are many men out there who find themselves comfortable being 'masculine' and look for the same in a partner, aside from men 'hiding' or 'coping' with their sexuality. These men, who genuinely enjoy masculinity find themselves persecuted for not holding up the gay norm. Being gay in itself leads to discrimination and judgement, why then, persecute those who don't subscribe to gay culture? People vary, gay, lesbian, bi and straight people vary. Why should these variances not be accepted? Let's look deeper than the surface level facade of how one shows their sexuality, and get to know, and accept, the person inside for who they are.


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