Coming Clean After Getting Clean

COMMENTARY: Someone just messaged me on Facebook to say I am a role model to them, and that excites me and scares me at the same time. I did porn to rebel and not be normal, but even in rebelling, you gotta keep boundaries. 

Safe sex is a must. 

For those of you who don't know, I did a bareback movie in 2008. I'm not gonna even mention the studio or the title, because I do not want anyone to purchase it, and I don't want to promote it. 

At the time I choose to do it, I had just lost my mother and my dog to cancer, within a year of each other. I was using hard drugs to dull the pain. I became an addict and did self destructive things because I no longer cared. Not that this is an excuse, but drugs really screw up your sense of right and wrong.

I was offered more than double what I used to make doing scenes in porn to do bareback. Many thousands of dollars for a two-hour scene. It was a top scene, but one can still contract HIV through topping. It's less of a risk, but still a big risk. 

I was, and by some miracle still am, HIV-negative. I have had the blood test for HIV many times since doing the scene, most recently last month, and I am still HIV-negative and free of all STDs.

But when I chose to do the scene back in 2008, I knew I could only convince my close friends that it was OK if they thought I was HIV-positive. So I lied and told people I was so I could do it. Shameful and sad.

I haven't done a movie since that one in 2008 — my choice. It freaked me out that I did it, and I fell deeper into my drug haze, hating myself for doing something I never, ever thought I would.

I had a contract with the bareback company for 12 scenes, but I pulled out after the first movie. It would have been enough money that I wouldn't have had to work for a year — two if I was frugal. But my damn morals came up and I couldn't do another one. I scared myself.

The message I just got via Facebook about being a role model solidifies why I couldn't do it again. Had I contracted HIV, that would have hurt myself, my family, and my friends. But promoting bareback sex, which I was outspoken against throughout my porn career, could have possibly caused one gay man to replicate my on-screen behavior, resulting in them contracting HIV.