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The act of
coming out is a deeply emotional experience. For
Robert Rave, coming out to his mother, Jane, was
an occasion for tears, laughter--and
cosmopolitans. In their new book, Conversations
and Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a
Hangover (iUniverse), the duo document how Robert's coming-out
brought them closer together, whether by hanging out in
New York City's fabulous gay enclave of Chelsea or
awkwardly discussing the pros and cons of
waxing. They spoke to The Advocate in time
for National Coming Out Day, October 11.What inspired
you both to write this book?Robert: When we first
started talking about the whole process, I was
frustrated with all the negative press and
headlines about gay people. I had never read anything
that was positive and had that family spin to it.
I felt there needed to be some kind of
counterprogramming out there, and I felt a lot of the
negativity would go away if it was told from a
mother-son perspective.Jane: I'm proud
of my son, all of my children, butI am especially
proud of Robert because it took a lot of courage
to do what he did [coming out]. And if he could
lay it out there, then so could I.Robert: She made the joke
to me earlier: "I feel like I'm
coming out as the mother of a gay son." [Laughs]Well, you are,
Jane. Is that intimidating at all?Jane: I'm very
proud, but I know I'm going to be put to
the test by a few people. I'm ready for
questions, whether they ask me or not. A lot of
people will probably not flat-out ask but will
comment behind my back. What he laid out on the table
[in the book]--my goodness, he told a lot
about growing up. And I put out there my life, and
I'm ready for it.Many gay kids
and their parents don't have that great of a
relationship. What's the secret to your success?Robert:A lot of it was
through humor, in the sense that I would say
something to break the ice. We once went to a
restaurant in west Chelsea and there was a waiter there,
a really cute waiter. And I was eating dinner with
my parents and we had a different waiter. Halfway
through the meal, our waiter switched and we got the
cute waiter I had been looking at the entire
night. My dad was like, "What?Did the waiter not
like us? Did we do something wrong? Are we not New
York enough?" And my mom just looked at him
and was like, "The waiter likes Robert!"
We were able to laugh about it, and even for my
dad at that moment, he was like, "Oh, I get it,
it's not such a foreign thing."Jane: You really get to
know your children as they are growing up. We had
a lot of fun together. We play off each other, and
if I have a question concerning homosexuality, I just
flat-out ask Robert, where maybe some
wouldn't, but we have that bond. I could ask
and he would tell me. It took awhile for me to get used
to asking about a partner or date, but it's
no different than when my daughter was dating or
my oldest son was dating.I like to hear if
they have a good time or if the guy was a jerk.What advice do
you have for those coming out to their parents?Robert: I think once you
do come out and do start talking, it's not nearly
as bad as you think it is. I think you feel
better, for your own mental being--you're
living a more authentic life. I couldn't be
this person who tries to lead a double life, in the
sense that I have to pretend I'm straight for
this group and I'm gay with this group. It
gets exhausting. Once you deal with that, you are reallyable to focus on the
rest of your life and the things that matter to you.For more details on the Raves and their book, go to
www.convosandcosmos.com.
A son—and
mother—come out
mother—come out
In their new book Conversations and Cosmopolitans, Robert Rave and his mom, Jane, discuss how Robert's coming-out brought them closer together. A National Coming Out Day special.
