I’ve compiled a list of all the fabulous things that come with becoming a parent when you are gay. Keep in mind, this list is meant to be taken extremely seriously and every word I say literally. Without further ado, here is my earnest top ten benefits:
10. Three words: Broadway. Musical. Re-creations. Nothing like getting your child dressed up in extravagant costumes to do your favorite scenes from Hairspray and then become a breakout YouTube star.
9. Now you actually have a reason for those four annual trips to Disney World. Even better, you can pose with all the characters and not look like an insane person. Avoid the water parks at all costs, unless you want a wet Band-Aid in your face.
8. Have you looked at a kids’ menu in a restaurant lately? Enough said. Don’t forget to add one or two “starve days” per week once you start binging.
7. If you ever want to skip to the front of a line, just make your kid start scream-crying. You’ll be amazed at how quickly that line will part like the Red Sea, and you will be promptly served.
6. Get that Prada man bag you’ve been wanting for years. Carry it everywhere. No one can give you any crap for it, because if they do, you can whip out some kid-necessary items. Also perfect for hiding several plane-size bottles of Grey Goose.
5. Themed birthday parties. You have years ahead of party planning, and you can spend months making your little one’s dreams come true, but mainly your dreams.
4. When your parents come to visit, they actually leave you alone (and now bug the hell out of your kid).
3. Remember all of those dolls you had as a kid? Now you get to play real-life dress-up! And yes, your kid will always be the best dressed, in any situation. Boys = bow-ties for days. Girls = Chanel bags at age 2.
2. The holidays become the backdrop for some of your wildest fantasies. You can go apeshit for Halloween and people will absolutely worship you. Christmas could vomit excessive amounts of decorations on your house, and it would only garner respect. Oh, and kids like it too.
1. Let’s face it, kids are truly the best, trendiest accessories. Strut around the mall, park, or club with the hottest thing going since toy dogs.