Petey Hegseth wants men and warriors while the military is being run by boys with skateboards and apps

Does anyone besides me remember the 2009 family film Opposite Day, starring Pauly Shore? The premise was simple and childish. Kids wake up one morning to find they’re running the world, while adults act like children. The kids take over the jobs, make the laws, and enforce the rules.

At one point, one of my favorite actors from the 1980s, the late Dick Van Patten, gets arrested by a group of pint-sized cops for running into a stop sign. It’s absurd, of course, and a silly inversion meant to make kids’ dream come true of being in charge for a day.

Related: Richard Simmons gives rare comment on a new biopic about him starring Pauly Shore

As an aside, I never thought I’d be writing a column for The Advocate name-dropping Pauly Shore and Dick Van Patten, but here we are.

OK, back to our regular programming. Unfortunately, we’re now living our own version of Opposite Day, except it’s been going on for nine months and counting. And this version is dumber and more farcical than the original.

The difference, of course, is instead of a small town run by kids, we’ve got the U.S. military being run by one big, peevish imp of a boy, Petey Hegseth.

The pubescent Donald Trump’s juvenile Defense secretary (sorry, I’m not calling it “war”) has been playing soldier, showing off as big boy pants boss, and getting all dolled up in his own playhouse, i.e. his private makeup shack.

A recent viral clip of him trying to flip a skateboard when he was playing anchorman on Fox News, shows him failing miserably. It came back and slammed Private Hegseth in his … well, his aforementioned rank.

It pretty much sums up the man: He is desperate to look cool yet so unaware of how foolish, incapable, and immature he looks..

Related: Pete Hegseth is a waste of time, and Trump is a disgraceful “Sleepy Don” at meeting for military leaders

As we all know by now, this is who’s running the Pentagon. Welcome to Opposite Day II, starring Petey Hegseth.

Do we really need to be reminded about Hegseth? Well, let me sum it up for you just so you’re up to speed.

There have been numerous reports of Hegseth’s erratic temperament and “manic” meltdowns playing, perhaps on a loop, at the Pentagon. Then there’s all the drunken behavior, where he routinely “passed out,” according to a witness.

And the inability to manage even his personal finances and professional finances for a nonprofit he got fired from.

Back to those meltdowns. It sounds to me that he makes a toddler’s tantrum look dignified. But the real scandal and what makes this so dangerous is that he’s turned the Department of Defense into his own digital playground.

Children play on apps. Adults use secure systems.

Mature defense leaders operate on the Secret Internet Protocol Router Network, SIPRNet, to handle classified information. Hegseth? He had an unsecure line set-up in his office so he can play on Signal, according to a source.

Who can forget him acting like a teenager showing off at lunch, sending “look at me” messages to his family and friends while exposing military secrets? In his defense (pun intended), he had some playmates from other departments with him during the first Signal scandal

This kind of childish behavior would get someone of a lower rank court-martialed, but when it comes from the top, it becomes culture. It trickles down. And this week we found news that Hegseth’s playtime military did indeed seep down into the “lower-ranks” on his staff.

According to a report in The Minnesota Star Tribune, one of his underlings followed Hegseth’s example and used text messages to discuss plans to use the military against American cities. The texts were reportedly about deploying the 82nd Airborne, the elite division not used domestically since Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassination.

It’s absurd, dangerous, and oh, so revealing. Like any organization, the Pentagon mirrors the personality of its leader. Hegseth’s people likely act like him, impulsive, reckless, and ostentatious, because that’s what earns approval.

In this frat house that is our U.S. military, chaos is rewarded, and maturity is mocked.

All of this is particularly rich coming from a man who just last week stood before generals and lectured them about “real men” and “warriors.” No “fatties,” no “dudes in dresses,” no beards, which means no nonwhite soldiers. I keep thinking about all those high-ranking brass sitting there while Howdy Doody tells them to act like men.

It was a smug, peacocking performance straight out of a high school locker room, delivered with the emotional depth of a kid screaming for attention.

And maybe a little off track here but still relevant is the video of Hegseth trying to do a pull-up. Oh, did that one take me back to high school, when my classmates would cringe watching me try to do just one.

Pete Hegseth wants a military of men, but he leads like a boy. Oh, and if you're gay, trans, or queer, just like on a playground in the 1980s, they'll bully you but good. It's just a big bad game for Hegseth.

Related: This week, Pete Hegseth and Kash Patel started the frightening return of the Lavender Scare

Which brings to mind another movie about kids and war, WarGames, a 1983 classic starring Matthew Broderick. Since most of you reading this will probably say, 1983? Never heard of it, I’ll fill you in on the plot.

A teenage hacker accidentally gains control of the U.S. nuclear arsenal, nearly triggering World War III. The film’s message was clear, and that is putting a child in charge of weapons is a catastrophic idea.

And yet here we are.

Hegseth’s Pentagon looks less like the War Department and more like a middle school rec room. Skateboards, apps, and impulsive decisions replace chain of command and disciplined leadership. The irony is painful — a man obsessed with “manhood,” “warriors,” and “strength” acting like a petulant child who thinks machismo equals maturity.

Hegseth’s Opposite Day government has made immaturity a policy. His “Signalgate” texts, his bro culture at the Pentagon, his temper, and his ignorance of security protocol all point to the same truth: He’s a child pretending to be a man on a skateboard.

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