God Tells All in New Book: Adam and Steve’s Story
In the following excerpt
from new book The Last Testament, written by God, with a little help from
comedian David Javerbaum, we learn the story of Adam and Steve. As it turns
out, there really was an Adam and Steve, which should shock campus preachers
Javerbaum is the former head writer and
executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and heis the coauthor of the
show’s bestsellers America: The Book and Earth: The Book. The Last Testament goes on sale November 1.
1 To resume:
2 It is often said — and even more often screamed at
anti–gay marriage rallies outside the statehouse in Lansing — that I created Adam
and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
4 Now will I tell the story of the first man,
Adam; and of the companion I fashioned for him, Steve; and of the great
closeting that befell their relationship.
5 For after I created the earth, and sea, and every
plant and seed and beast of the field and fowl of the air, and had the place
pretty much set up, I saw that it was good;
6 But I also saw, that by way of oversight it made
good administrative sense to establish a new middle‑managerial position.
7 So as my final act of Day Six, I formed a man
from the dust of the ground, and breathed life into his nostrils; and I called
him Adam, to give him a leg up alphabetically.
8 And lo, I made him for my image; not in my
image, but for my image; because with Creations thou never gettest a second
chance to make a first impression;
9 And so in fashioning him I sought to make not
only a responsible planetary caretaker, but also an attractive, likeable
spokesman who in the event of environmental catastrophe could project a certain
10 To immediately assess his ability to function
in my absence, I decided to change my plans; for I had intended to use Day
Seven to infuse the universe with an innate sense of compassion and moral
justice; but instead I left him in charge and snoozed.
11 And Adam passed my test; yea, he was by far my
greatest achievement; he befriended all my creatures, and named them, and cared
for them; and tended the Garden most skillfully; for he had a great eye for
12 But I soon noticed he felt bereft in his
solitude; for oft he sighed, and pined for a helpmeet; and furthermore he
masturbated incessantly, until he had well‑nigh besplattered paradise.
13 So one night I caused him to fall into a deep
sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib,
though not a load‑bearing one.
14 And from this rib I fashioned a companion for
him; a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom; ripped, and cut, and hung like unto a
fig tree before the harvest;
15 Yea, and a power bottom.
16 And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy;
and he called the man Steve; I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep
17 And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no
shame; they knew each other, as often as possible; truly their loins were a
18 And they were happy, having not yet eaten of
the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.
1 Now the snake was more closeted than any animal
in the Garden; literally on the down flow; for though he oft hissed his desire
to mate with comely serpentesses, yet he lisped, and fretted over his skin
care, and could not have looked more phallic if he’d had balls for a rattle.
2 And that which he needlessly despised in
himself, he set out to destroy in others; so one day he slithered unto Steve
5 Hey, random question for thee: Hast thou ever
eaten the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful?
6 ’Cause I hear it’s some quality produce!”
7 Long did the serpent cozen Steve in this way; at
first he balked, but the serpent tricked him, by telling him that the fruit
would intensify his orgasm; which was a reckless lie;
8 For the fruit did not intensify orgasms; it
merely prolonged them forty‑five minutes.
9 And so Steve ate of the tree; and he bid Adam
eat of it; and the knowledge that their lifestyle was sinful shamed them, and
also filled them with white‑hot lust; and they entwined themselves unceasingly
10 (For it was and remains true, that all aspects
of sexual activity grow more pleasurable following their moral condemnation.)
11 But in the morning they grew embarrassed, and
cloaked themselves in fig leaves; these constituting the entirety of their fall
12 And they heard me walking in the garden in the
cool of the day; and they hid themselves from my presence behind a grove;
which, a lot of good that’s going to do;
13 And I called, “Adam and Steve, where art thou?”
14 And Adam said, “Father, there is something we
need to tell thee: we are gay.”
15 And I said, “Whhhuuuhhhhh?!?”
16 And Steve said, “Yea, it is true, LORD; for the
snake bid me eat the fruit of the forbidden Tree; and I gave it to Adam; and
now we know that we are not only here, but queer; and lo, we would thou growest
accustomed to it.”
17 And I turned to the serpent and screamed, “Thou
hast ruined everything; for I had wrought Steve of the same gender as Adam, so
that they could not breed, and would be free to focus on their gardening
18 But thou hast made them ashamed for no reason,
by convincing them to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is
19 “But LORD,” said the serpent, “surely I could
not have done this evil thing, if thou didst not inexplicably put this stigmatizing
tree in the Garden to begin with.”
20 I considered this.
21 “Look,” I said, “hindsight is twenty‑twenty.
22 And surely this is not the time to play the
‘blame game’; at least not until my full‑scale internal investigation is
23 Whose findings will be used to ensure, that an
event as tragic as the Fall of Man, never happens again.
24 But in the meantime, serpent, thou art cursed
above every beast of the field; and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy
life; and even the humans who study thee will be accursed; for they will be
known as ‘herpetologists,’ which sounds like ‘herpes.’
25 And as for you, Adam and Steve: Damn it! I knew
I should have made you lesbians!
26 Then you would have tended the Garden with more
diligence; yea, and been a lot more outdoorsy in general.
27 But ye have been disobedient; and for that I
must now inflict upon you the harshest punishment possible:
28 Transforming you from carefree young lovers
living in the heart of everything, to a married couple with kids stuck in the
29 Steve, so that thou mayest bear young, I will
tomorrow transform thee into a woman; fear not, the operation is relatively
standard; in the meantime, put this on.
30 Oh, and consider what female name thou wilt
want; try to make it something that rhymes with ‘Steve’, so that 6,000 years
from now, the righteous can use it to create the most inane slogan of all time.
31 As for posterity, do not worry about humanity
learning the true nature of thy relationship.
32 I am the LORD thy God, King of the Universe; I
know how to spin this.”
David Javerbaum is a
former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
He is the coauthor of that show’s bestsellers America: The Book and Earth: The Book, and he is author of the pregnancy parody What
to Expect When You’re Expected. Most
recently he wrote Neil Patrick Harris’ opening number for the 2011 Tony Awards,
“Broadway: It’s Not Just for Gays Anymore!” and also wrote Jane Lynch’s opening number for
the 2011 Emmy Awards. Follow “Him” on Twitter at @TheTweetOfGod.