The New 60: Mind Games

One day a few years ago, I was sitting in a bath, and suddenly realized that the only thing standing between me and relaxation and pleasure ... was me. I was holding myself as if I were ready for battle, on guard duty for myself, my friends, my family, my clients.

I let go, I took a deep breath. I am not that important. What a relief to not be held hostage by my history, my ego and others expectations.

For part of this week, I was again at the mercy of my head. I was OK whenever I was fully engaged, usually when I was working, but some of the time, I was hanging out with some old voices that were giving me a hard time. I was feeling isolated and trapped in my roles. I believe that we play roles in life, and like good actors, we bring the authentic parts of ourselves that fit to each role. My roles of teacher, listener, facilitator and writer are a privilege and give me incredible rewards, On the other hand, my personal roles of lover, boyfriend, friend, sometimes get short shrift. Last week, I wanted to have some one to hold me, or make me dinner after an intense day.

We are all complicated and contradictory. I am content, busy, involved, smart, funny, sexy and humble (LOL); I am also complex and, when my mind starts fucking with me, I feel at the mercy of my skewed perception of circumstances.

I have to practice everything I talk about with clients and in this column. I forget who I am. I forget that I am always OK when I am in the present. I forget that my life is filled with such grace and wonder. I forget… then, I remember.