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6 Gay Men You Never Want to Meet — Part III

6 Gay Men You Never Want to Meet — Part III


Just when you thought it was safe to go on a blind date again ...

First, there were the original six -- a garish group of gays who haunted your dreams at night.

Then there was the reboot -- an all-new cast of gay men who could strike terror in the heart of even the most jaded queer. Now feast your eyes on the latest gaggle of gays who may seem harmless at first glance but will leave you running out on the first date and have you hiding under the covers.

You may have already met these men. You probably have even slept with a few. But now it's time to examine them for who they really are.

These are the six gay men you never want to meet ... Part III.


Invisible Ian

You might have had a great time with Ian. You had wonderful conversations. There were even sparks, and you were sure that he was buying what you had to sell. Three days later, however, and you can't help but think it was all a dream. You know he exists from his Facebook and Instagram posts, but he hasn't responded to a single text or phone call since that fateful night.

Then it happens. You see him out and about. But when he notices you, he pretends as if he is invisible. He looks straight past you as if the two of you had never met, and he tries his best to act as if you aren't looking at him cross-eyed. But in the midst of Ian's disappearing act, he failed to remember that the two of you have several mutual friends.

We see you, Ian, and we are not impressed.


Timothy Too Much

It's not even dinner, it's just drinks, but Timothy is already fixated on the amazing "connection" you two have after the second martini. He mentions an event pretty far into the future that he is attending and emphatically assumes that you will be his date.

In the moments after your first meeting, he begins using nicknames like "babe" and pronouns like "we" and "us" in every text he sends. At first you try to shrug it off, because after all, he is a nice guy with a good job. But you know it is inevitable. Timothy means well, but he is just too much.


Daniel Defeated

Every gay man has his ups and downs, but it would seem as if Daniel prefers to live in a perpetual state of down. If he had a spirit animal, it would be Eeyore, the donkey who keeps losing his tail. To him, movies like The Normal Heart and Brokeback Mountain are romantic comedies.

You might think he just needs some encouragement, so you sign up to be his friend or maybe even his boyfriend. But don't be fooled. Daniel isn't looking to improve his gloomy disposition, but he will probably bring some clouds to your sunny day.


Carl Can't-Be-Bothered

Political issues? Over it. Daily news? Who even cares? And don't even try to bring up issues of global poverty and hunger. Carl simply can't be bothered. In fact, no one really knows what Carl is interested in, because he is too busy expressing his disdain for whichever topic is currently on the table. He is just waiting for the conversation to get back to more important things ... like shoes and dicks.


Peter Paper-Thin

Peter knows all the right people and always attends the biggest charities and the best parties-for-a-cause. His Facebook and Instagram accounts are filled with selfies with local celebs and glamour shots with the city's biggest power players. Everyone is so used to seeing Peter that they just assume that he is committed to the foundations and charities he so visibly supports by his mere presence. Luckily, Peter knows almost everyone at least a little, so he flutters around the room and chats just enough to smile for the camera without discussing the cause the event is benefiting, not to mention the strings he's pulled to get into the party without paying a cent. Because if anyone did take the time to get to know Peter in depth, they would realize that he is paper-thin.


Nathaniel Name-Dropper

"Don't talk about Britney like that. I know her and she is such an amazing person."

First of all, nobody knows Britney Spears. Second, it doesn't matter whether it was his last exotic vacation or that time he shared a cab with Sarah Jessica Parker, Nathaniel has a name to drop for every occasion. His hobby is to assert his false sense of authority in some unimportant discussion, because he is "friends" with whichever celebrity you are talking about.

At first you might even be impressed by his connections to the rich and famous as well as his glamorous jet-set life. But after awhile, it appears that either Nathaniel is capable of being at more than one place at a time, or he is full of shit. Regardless, you want him to be quiet.

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