"Blah blah blah
faggot"

Hey, queers, guess what? People still hate you. I know--it's shocking, isn't it? You may have been tricked for a few minutes into thinking that everything was going to be all right with society, that eventually you'd be able to just live your life without having to get bogged down with questions like, "Just what does the cast of Grey's Anatomy really feel about my moral fitness as an adoptive parent?" But for now, your very existence is still a topic of great interest among many very important scholars and thinkers--people like Marky Mark, or that guy who played the rappin' pimp in Hustle & Flow, or a former basketball player, or a whiny former gay-for-pay porn star. But without a scorecard it can be hard to know which mouthy headline-lassoers on the culture landscape are easily ignored and which ones deserve to have bags of dog poop set on fire on their front porches. I'm here to help.

Gen. Peter Pace: Aging cracker who thinks you and me and everyone we know are immoral. Wars based on lies that slaughter thousands of people, however, are awesome. OK, he didn't exactly say "awesome." I'm paraphrasing.

Mark Wahlberg: The former pinup for gay underwear fetishists and sampler of Loleatta Holloway disco records said that he was glad to have been passed over for Brokeback Mountain. See, Marky read the script, and the fictional characters' tent-sex made him "a little creeped out." Because the John Holmes-like character he played in Boogie Nights, by virtue of banging only chicks, wasn't creepy at all.

Trinidad and Tobago: Seemingly the entire population believes that allowing Elton John to perform there will cause gayness to spontaneously combust in unsuspecting listeners. Curse you, Lion King soundtrack!

Cpl. Matt Sanchez: The U.S. Marine Corps reservist who once performed as "Rod Majors" in gay porn would like you to know that he thinks the gay "lifestyle" is wrong. He would also like liberals to stop picking on him after he bashes them on his blog. Him make Bizarro Sense!

Ann Coulter: An opportunist. She needs regular media attention, so she pops up every so often when things get too quiet and participates in a wacky controversy. This time around she saw the primo name recognition Isaiah Washington got just for saying "f****t," which, as everyone knows, involves no heavy lifting whatsoever and just trips off the tongue.

Terrence Howard: "Do I agree with homosexuality?" began the Oscar nominee in a recent interview. "No, I'm a Bible-based young man." The actor has fewer public opinions about the Bible's admonition for masters to treat their slaves well and is a touch ambivalent about the whole shellfish thing.

Tim Hardaway: Former NBA-er who thinks homosexuality shouldn't be in the United States or the world. Either country, you know? Currently keeping himself busy working on a very big rocket to put all of us on. Learning science first, of course. Then comes the rocket.