Kristi Noem is running a digital marketing agency touting her beauty and idiocy while ignoring U.S. security

For several years, I led PR for the digital marketing arm of media holding company Publicis. I also acted as a credibility source critiquing digital marketing ads for the trade media outlet Luxury Daily.

I point that out so you know that I have a leg to stand on when it comes to judging digital marketing ads. So I can say without any hesitation that the plethora of digital marketing that is spewing out of the Department of Homeland Security, all narcissistically featuring Secretary Kristi Noem, is a bunch of garbage.

Related: Who is Kristi Noem? A look at the anti-LGBTQ+, dog-killing governor and vice president aspirant

It says something about the state of our government that the DHS is now producing airport propaganda videos so embarrassing that airports are refusing to play them. In her latest performance, Noem, the department’s resident leader of kookiness, recorded a message blaming Democrats for the government shutdown.

The video is ridiculous but not surprising. If I were grading it, I would give it an F, and I’m being kind. This is the latest example that shows that Noem has been transforming the Department of Homeland Security into her own digital vanity studio.

Every week brings a new clip starring the wild-eyed secretary, teeth sparkling, hair flowing, earrings dangling, makeup caking, and lipstick blinding.

There’s the militarized Immigration and Customs Enforecement raid video, which is horrific. It’s complete with explosions, tactical gear, knocking down doors, rifles, and bulletproof vests. And of course Kooky Kristi puts herself in the video as she drives through the empty streets of Chicago.

Its soundtrack is inexplicably Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” For that alone, it gets a grade of F. The lyrics include ‘I feel stupid and contagious.” I think that sums up Noem and the infectious illegality of ICE agents' actions.

But maybe the silliest is the ICE recruitment video featuring Dean Cain, because nothing underscores “homeland security” like a washed-up Dean Cain. The video hilariously shows him going through an ICE training obstacle course. The one thing they left out was Cain using a rope swing to fly over Noem’s mouth.

I don’t know why, but when I saw Dean Cain in that video, I can’t help but think about another ridiculous shuckster, Mike Lindell. The video gets a D- only because it looked so difficult for Cain to hunch over and go under a railing. Brutal.

Related: Mike Lindell’s Pillow Talk With Trump Ends in a Bad Dream

If that wasn’t enough to knock you over, I guess literally and figuratively, Noem sanctioned a social post using South Park satire to promote ICE jobs. It’s confounding in the worst possible way.

When South Park roasted her as a plastic, fame-hungry opportunist whose face literally falls off on camera, and flips around, I got the hiccups from laughing so hard. Sane politicians wouldn’t try to toy with the mockery, yet Noem seemed to mistake it for a character endorsement.

Related: South Park eviscerates Kristi Noem for killing a puppy and abusing Botox

And who tries to forget her atrocious trip to El Salvador, where she filmed herself admiring a mega-prison wearing a $50,000 Rolex. She said the prison was a “tool” in the administration’s immigration tool kit. The only tool was Noem as she looked at a bunch of political prisoners in their underwear. It was creepy as hell.

While government workers go without paychecks, and while Trump cuts budgets that affect vital health care funding, Noem threw $200 million in the proverbial toilet to produce two “self-deportation” ads, a 30-second one and a bonus edition lasting one minute, where you get to see and hear her narrate for an additional 30 seconds!

It’s a gross use of taxpayer money that could’ve funded real border management or refugee processing, but instead those millions paid for glossy, fearmongering TV spots warning migrants to just turn themselves in via Noem’s syrupy drone.

It made me think. Noem shot her dog. She lies for Trump, like all of his other cabinet lackeys, so why would anyone believe her about all the great things that happen if you turn yourself in. Try to explain that rationale to the people who have seen that horror show video of the Chicago raids.

Each of these stunts would be laughable on its own. But together, they form a portrait of a dangerously unserious person leading one of the most serious agencies in government.

DHS was created after 9/11 to protect Americans from terrorism, cyberattacks, and natural disasters. It’s supposed to safeguard our borders, infrastructure, and civil liberties. Under Noem, it’s become a digital marketing firm that has two clients, Trump and glamour queen Noem.

I can almost hear her creative meetings: “Can I smoke out a house with a family inside? Can I fly a helicopter and hose down migrants outside of a Home Depot?” "Can I shoot a rifle and spray bullets at a church that might have an illegal alien altar boy?"

Her narcissism has mutated into PR policy. While she’s glamming for the camera, real crises, like cyberattacks, domestic extremism, climate catastrophes — oh, sorry, there is no climate crisis — and natural disasters get short shrift. The border policy is now a storyboard.

Noem’s obsession with digital displays of despicability also mirrors the motto of the administration she serves. Trump’s government has always mistaken PR for action as it touts unmitigated cruelty. Noem embodies all of it under suspect lighting.

Noem doesn’t safeguard the homeland. To the contrary, she simply writes self-serving scripts about it. And that’s a wrap.

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