NYC Prep vs. Miami Social

*One of three sun-tanning women who just learned that one of their own throws shoes at her boyfriend when she's upset: "I would never break my shoes on a man."

*A gay guy at a spa getting a pedicure while drinking white wine... a man who has just introduced himself as "gay but not a big queen": "I haven't been Botoxed in a while."

*A bisexual single mom who's shipped her 13-year-old daughter off to boarding school: "It makes the moments when we actually see each other much more precious."

*A gay event planner/model booker -- who may be the single most unpleasant, vain, despicable person ever in the history of reality television -- to a female model who shows up for a casting call: "Did we make out once? I've made out with like a thousand girls but I can't remember [you] because I'm sober."

*The gay guy who just got the pedicure: "I want a guy that's hot inside and out. I really want to meet somebody like me ."

Ways in Which the Audience Is Presented With Blatant Lies

The Preps are more guilty right now because they've been on the air longer, long enough for the show to make it seem like one of them was about to die of not having enough social status when, in fact, it was just a dog. Poor doggie. Poor me for not getting what I was promised. As for PC's teased-up, blown-out, decontextualized-sound-bite-driven, potential future gayness? Who knows, really. It might be all talk and no trousers. But don't fuck with me too much, show. I'll have to pretend I've quit you if you do.

As for the Miamis, I already believe that every single minute of it is a lie. I have no proof. I just don't trust a word of this shit. I guess I have to season-pass it on TiVo to find out if I'm right.

Next column: actual substance, important topics, meaningful issues, no discussion of gay pedicures. Promise. Even if I have to watch hours and hours of CSPAN, the BBC News, or that Lisa Ling special about puppy mills.