BY Dave White

October 02 2009 6:25 PM ET

DAVID LETTERMAN X390 (SCREEN CAPTURE) | ADVOCATE.COM

You might remember the YouTube clips of the people performing an
exorcism on a 16-year-old boy to make him stop having homosexual
desires. Well, those got taken down (and who knows, maybe reposted over
and over, I haven’t checked lately) by a gay teen advocacy group called
True Colors. And I think that’s a good thing. No kid needs that kind of
shit following him or her around on the Internet. It’s a hellish enough
world out there for a lot of homo teens trapped in cartoonishly
superstitious, scare-the-holy-fucking-shit-out-of-you churches (i.e.,
pretty much all of them, with few exceptions) where the fear of Satan
is pounded into their heads.
 
But now you can watch selected moments
from that video on the CW because Tyra had both of the exorcists and a
right-on, takin’-no-bullshit lady from True Colors named Kamora on her
show.

Here’s what I learned about being a gay exorcist, straight
from the mouths of the gay exorcists, should I ever decide to give up
my desire to bone dudes and start Los Angeles’s first fag-ghostbusting
business.

1. You can make people vomit up their gayness. The
method is somewhat unclear, but if you are a badass enough exorcist,
your client is going to puke at some point in the process.
 
2. You
have to be a “prophet.” Also a “seer,” a “dreamer,” and a “visionary.”
You’ll need “open-eye vision” AND “closed-eye vision.” I don’t know
what the fuck any of those things are, but I figure I can just go to the
hippie-ass New Age bookstore down on Melrose and read about it over the
course of a lunch hour. Then I’ll be certified to vacuum out my first
gay abortion.
 
3. To advertise your service, you’ll need to remind
people about your “spirit of discernment.” Tyra called this one when
she said, “OK, that’s just having ‘gaydar.’” But it sounds more
official when you church it up.









Tags: television

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