5. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

A woman gave birth in her pants. She felt some pelvic pain and then boom, baby in the pants. Just popped right out. And then the doctor’s like, “You just had a baby in your pants,” which caused the unsuspecting post-partum mom to yell the title of the show. Then she named the kid Axy Denté. That last part is made-up. But still, my new favorite thing.

6. Three Rivers

If, like me, you’re still obsessed with The L Word long after its demise, you’ll be thrilled to know that Shane is back on TV. I know her real name is Katherine Moennig but to me she’s Shane. She will always be Shane. When I see her in my local supermarket in Los Angeles, I keep my cool but silently think, “Shane!” So now she’s playing a really concerned doctor on this new medical drama who would never steal your girlfriend and have sex with her in public at a party held in your honor. She’s got longer hair and wears makeup on this show, too, which is kind of like seeing her dressed up in a gorilla suit. And the show is sort of boring. But still, Shane!

7. The Suze Orman Show

Why, after someone gets their own Oprah-sponsored spin-off program, do they start freaking out so hard? On his own show, Dr. Oz now does features on this or that deadly danger you should be scared of because you’re going to die within the next five minutes of whatever it is. And Oprah’s most famous lesbian pal spends her time yelling at people who are in credit card debt and telling them not to buy a new pair of shoes even if they make $100,000 a year. It’s unnerving. I already feel bad enough about the debt I’m in. I don’t want someone barking at me about it while calling me “girlfriend.” I’m doing my best, Suze Orman! Bug off!

Tags: television