Ticked-Off Actor



Dear Tran Coulter,

Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives.
Those five words (especially that third one) are ruining your spring. I knew everyone wouldn’t think it’s better than blow job–flavored ice cream, but you’re hating on it like it’s Catwoman. A better Halle comparison would be Monster’s Balls, especially since the girls in the film bash the bashers back below-the-belt style. Almost like a DIY sex change.

When I signed on to do Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, my agent said, “Go have fun.”

Cut to day 1 of shooting: Cast member Kelexis Davenport, who plays Pinky La’Trimm, asked if Miss Hollywood was ready. Director Israel Luna liked that she had given me a nickname already. Kelexis was quick to school him that it was no compliment and just because I was on Nip/Tuck didn’t mean I knew shit about drag. Day 2, when mentioning that the unflattering lighting from below would make me look like a tranny hobgoblin, Kelexis replied, “No one cares where that uppity, Cheeto-eating, ho-nasty bitch Willam’s light is at.” I almost told her it was poor grammar to end a sentence with a preposition the way she did, but since she’s the size of two Oprahs and a Gayle, I kept quiet.

The fear of Kelexis subsided only when she took me aside to better shade my face with her darker powder. She said she was tired of “looking at all that ugly.” It was nice to know that even though I annoyed Kelexis, she wanted me to look my best in her film.

“Bitch, it’s not all about you,” she said. Kelexis was right. It wasn’t all about me. Every letter of LGBT is represented in the production. Funding was courtesy of a good ol’ Texan bachelorette (read between the lines). Our director and a producer are gay men. The hair, makeup, and wardrobe people and even a transportation crew driver fall into the trans category. Straight people were the quiet minority. During downtime, we played the game Fuck-Marry-Kill, in which you name three people in the room and chose one for each action. I guess ending up at the bottom of a camera guy’s list for submissive prison sex is what I get for sitting next to three of Texas’s most beautiful women — who just happen to also be trans.

These trans women, Krystal Summers, Erica Andrews, and Kelexis, along with drag queen Jenna Sky, were given free range to improvise whole scenes of dialogue with the vernacular and slang that’s natural to them. It’s just like blue-people language in Avatar but with less clicking and more “guhrl” thrown in.

Tags: Commentary