Kristi Noem plans divorce after husband’s secret online life, her mother says

Kristi Noem plans to divorce her husband, Bryon Noem, after 34 years of marriage, her mother told the British tabloid The Daily Mail. The split follows revelations that Bryon Noem paid online fetish performers and shared photographs of himself presenting femininely.

Corinne Arnold told the outlet that the former Homeland Security secretary informed relatives in late spring that she had retained a lawyer and intended to end the marriage. The conversation took place at a birthday party for one of the couple’s grandchildren, according to the outlet.

Reports have described Bryon Noem’s alleged participation in “bimbofication,” feminization role-play and other fetish activity. Those behaviors are not the same as being transgender. Fetish activity, gender expression and gender identity are distinct, and Bryon Noem has not publicly identified as trans.

Related: Kristi Noem’s husband wanted to be called Crystal, longtime dominatrix says

“It has been difficult, but we knew this was coming, that they were going to get divorced,” Arnold said.

Rumors about the state of their marriage have circulated for years alongside allegations that Kristi Noem had an affair with Corey Lewandowski, President Donald Trump’s former campaign manager and a longtime adviser to Noem. Both Noem and Lewandowski have denied having a romantic relationship. Bryon Noem reportedly discussed the allegations in messages to an online performer.

No public divorce filing has surfaced, and neither Kristi nor Bryon Noem has confirmed that proceedings are underway. Bryon Noem has reportedly moved about 20 miles from the couple’s South Dakota ranch.

Arnold said she had not seen him for months, though he continues to operate his insurance business.

“It’s sad,” Arnold said. “You have to remember that Bryon’s been in our family for many years.” Kristi and Bryon Noem married in 1992 and have three adult children.

The reported breakup comes months after the Daily Mail published photographs, messages and accounts from online fetish performers who alleged that Bryon Noem paid them to participate in feminization role-play and shared images of himself presenting femininely.

Several performers told the outlet that he paid them a combined $25,000 to dominate him online while he dressed in feminine clothing and used makeshift prosthetic breasts. In alleged messages and recordings published later, Bryon Noem reportedly asked to be called “Crystal” and discussed fantasies involving hormone therapy, feminizing surgery and eventually living publicly as a woman.

Bimbofication generally involves a submissive person adopting an exaggerated feminine appearance or persona, sometimes under the direction of a dominant partner. Such role-play can be a way for some people to explore gender, but many cisgender people also participate without identifying as transgender.

That distinction matters because portraying transgender identity as merely a sexual fetish reinforces a false stereotype long used to marginalize transgender women. Cross-dressing is also not inherently an indication that someone is gay, bisexual, or transgender.

The political controversy surrounding the reports has instead centered on Kristi Noem’s public record.

As South Dakota governor and later as homeland security secretary, Noem built a national profile partly through her support for policies restricting the lives of gender-expansive people. She signed legislation prohibiting transgender girls and women from participating in female school sports and approved a ban on gender-affirming medical care for transgender minors.

The reports about her husband’s private gender expression therefore produced accusations of hypocrisy, particularly after Noem’s representatives asked the public to respect the family’s privacy. Her representatives previously said Noem was “devastated” and that the family had been “blindsided” by the disclosures. They asked for privacy as the family confronted the allegations.

This story is developing.