Colman Domingo
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17 Tips for Being a Better Top

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4. Get over your fear of dirty butts.

A few weeks ago, I was preparing for a hookup. Right before I hopped in the shower to clean out my ass, the top messaged me: “Make sure you clean that ass really good. I don’t like dirty butts.”

Automatic block. Discard pile. Rejected.

I don’t particularly like the word “dirty” to imply the presence of shit, which is something the ass naturally produces and not something to be feared. “Dirty” implies shame, and there’s nothing shameful about the way the body functions. But most guys, including myself, will not bristle up at the word’s use. Most of the time it is said without judgment.

This being said, do not tell your bottom to clean out well. Saying that will only add to his nervousness about being clean. Unless he has expressed that he’s into shit, it is generally assumed that he will have to clean before you guys play — unless he is one of those mystifying and magical bottoms who knows when his ass is simply ready to go, no cleaning required.

When playtime comes, he will probably be anxious about the possibility that his ass isn’t spotless. You telling him to be spotless will only increase that anxiety and probably make your sex less enjoyable.

Good bottoms — as well as good tops — gradually learn to lose this fear. Yes, you can clean your ass thoroughly before play, but remember that the body is the body and the ass is the ass, and you are only able to control it to a certain degree.

You can manipulate its function through antidiarrhea pills and you can extend your ability to use it with poppers and drugs, but at some point the body will process waste and do what it needs to do. If you spend enough time in the butt, you are going to encounter evidence of that other function beyond delivering mind-blowing sensations that the butt performs.

If you’re fucking him and encounter some shit, don’t freak out. Responding with disgust or revulsion can really hurt his feelings. It’s an ass — it’s going to happen at some point.

Gently tell him about it, and together decide what to do. Either you will stop and let him clean out, or you will continue. Most bottoms will want to stop and clean, either because the sex has become uncomfortable or because they assume tops want to fuck a clean ass. If you do not care about shit, tell him so, and let him know that whatever he chooses to do, you’re into him — literally.

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