Lisa Lampanelli Will F**k You Up

And we should talk about business. Your very first
HBO special is outrageous. How easy, or hard, is it for
you to dive into the work you do? I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about
stuff in real life and then I yell about it onstage,
and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What
I’ll do is tape-record it and it will end up coming
out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. I mean,
I don’t sit down at a goddamn computer and say,
"Whore, I am going to write some clever jokes
today.” I rant and rave and see what comes out.

So, it’s cathartic? Yeah. It’s not really like I’m
therapizing myself in front of the audiences, because
I have therapists that I pay. And the audiences pay to
see the show. I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy.
But at least it gets things out of my system in a
funny way.

That’s great. And you said therapists? Plural? I have two. I have a backup therapist. I have
two houses. I don’t know if you know this, but
I am pretty wealthy. I have two houses and two Toyota
Camrys, so I am pretty fuckin’ wealthy. I have a
shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in
case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.

That’s very smart. So, in your work, basically,
you get pissed off and you work it out. Are you pissed
off about something now? I started dating again. I took a year and a half
off because I was very codependent. I dated people
from age 12 to 45 without a break. That’s 33
years. I should write a Broadway show: Love Addicts.
The closing number is “Boy, Is My Cunt
Tired.” Luckily, now that I have some
self-esteem, I’m trying out guys with jobs and stuff.
It's a huge upgrade. But I am still annoyed at the
dating process because all these guys are a huge
disappointment. Less of a disappointment from last week,
so I guess it keeps getting better.

What guy stands out for you now? Let’s see… I met this guy in L.A.
and he flew to Vegas to see me and he was so hot. He
was, maybe, the most gorgeous black guy I slept with, but
I didn’t really sleep with him because -- guess what?
-- he flies all the way to Vegas to see me and does
not bring a condom! What a fucking underachiever is
that? And then he’s like, “Instead of doing
that, why don’t I jerk off and you lick my
nipple!” I’m like, “What kind of gay
shit is that?” So I said, "Whatever … I might
as well make the best of it.” And then
he’s like, “No, no, not that one, the left
one.” Now, how frickin’ specific is that
bullshit? I have more button choices on my satellite
radio, OK! I am very angry at him.