Lisa Lampanelli Will F**k You Up

Foul-mouthed comic Lisa Lampanelli doesn't hold back in her first interview with Whether discussing black men she's dated or her gay fans, she lets it all hang out -- and then some.




And we should talk about business. Your very first
HBO special is outrageous. How easy, or hard, is it for
you to dive into the work you do?
I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about
stuff in real life and then I yell about it onstage,
and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What
I’ll do is tape-record it and it will end up coming
out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. I mean,
I don’t sit down at a goddamn computer and say,
"Whore, I am going to write some clever jokes
today.” I rant and rave and see what comes out.

So, it’s cathartic? Yeah. It’s not really like I’m
therapizing myself in front of the audiences, because
I have therapists that I pay. And the audiences pay to
see the show. I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy.
But at least it gets things out of my system in a
funny way.

That’s great. And you said therapists? Plural? I have two. I have a backup therapist. I have
two houses. I don’t know if you know this, but
I am pretty wealthy. I have two houses and two Toyota
Camrys, so I am pretty fuckin’ wealthy. I have a
shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in
case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.

That’s very smart. So, in your work, basically,
you get pissed off and you work it out. Are you pissed
off about something now?
I started dating again. I took a year and a half
off because I was very codependent. I dated people
from age 12 to 45 without a break. That’s 33
years. I should write a Broadway show: Love Addicts.
The closing number is “Boy, Is My Cunt
Tired.” Luckily, now that I have some
self-esteem, I’m trying out guys with jobs and stuff.
It's a huge upgrade. But I am still annoyed at the
dating process because all these guys are a huge
disappointment. Less of a disappointment from last week,
so I guess it keeps getting better.

What guy stands out for you now? Let’s see… I met this guy in L.A.
and he flew to Vegas to see me and he was so hot. He
was, maybe, the most gorgeous black guy I slept with, but
I didn’t really sleep with him because -- guess what?
-- he flies all the way to Vegas to see me and does
not bring a condom! What a fucking underachiever is
that? And then he’s like, “Instead of doing
that, why don’t I jerk off and you lick my
nipple!” I’m like, “What kind of gay
shit is that?” So I said, "Whatever … I might
as well make the best of it.” And then
he’s like, “No, no, not that one, the left
one.” Now, how frickin’ specific is that
bullshit? I have more button choices on my satellite
radio, OK! I am very angry at him.

Tags: television