BY Dave White
January 04 2010 12:20 PM ET
3. Speidi, in all their appearances everywhere, except for when Al Roker was being mean to them — I admit that for like five seconds I was into watching these entitled dumb fucks get born again on I’m a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! Then they turned into that fruity bubble gum that loses its flavor and you’re just stuck with a wad of goopy nothing in your mouth and you have to find a place to spit it out as soon as you can or you’re going to gag on it. Of course, then Al Roker “offended” them by treating them like we all wanted to. And it was great.
4. Jon and Kate – Unlike Speidi, who are simply two young blond people who spend their days calculating ways to be seen living it up and acting like morons and only doing harm to people like me who occasionally can’t stop staring at them, J/K were famous for actively being gross in the presence of eight unwilling kids whose future therapy bills are going to cost as much as their college educations. On the other hand, I had divorced parents who didn’t know what they were doing either and look how great I turned out: a homosexual whose job it is to lie on the couch with a TV remote in one hand and a brown sugar–cinnamon Pop-Tart in the other.
5. Project Runway — As a general rule, competition shows like this can’t ever really jump the shark and stay jumped. They have a new opportunity each season to come back and jump that shark all over again. For example, American Idol does it every single year and it never gets old. But after the stumbling legs of PR’s Leannimal season (basically from the moment they auf’d Terri and Stella and started painting poor misunderstood brat-diva Kenley as a supervillain) I was concerned. And then when I heard they were going to my hometown Los Angeles, the flip-flop capital of the galaxy, I was concerneder. And then I watched it and what's-her-face won the season and I can’t remember anything I looked at, not a name, not an outfit, not a bickering argument, nothing. At least over on Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew people are complaining that they’re not allowed to masturbate and hurling the furnishings at each other.
6. Miami Social — I hesitate to put this on the list because so few people saw it. But it was everything wrong with a reality show and there was no one around who cared enough to try to cover the cracks. I think they just held auditions and tried to make the characters act like they really knew each other, but none of them could muster the energy to pretend that for very long or to get up off that white couch at that one place they were always hanging out. And if the antigay people out there wanted something to bitch about besides lesbian moms wanting to get married, they could just point to friend-of-Kim-Kardashian Ariel and his ornate custom-made desk/throne/thing with the bejeweled lion heads carved into it, a piece of Fuck-You Furniture that, I believe, may have also turned into a helicopter when you pushed a vibrating button underneath. Time-saver: Just listen to that dumb LMFAO song called “I’m in Miami, Bitch” and you’ve pretty much just watched this whole show with your ears in four minutes.