Putrid Perez

The latest scandal involving flamboyant celebrity blogger Perez Hilton presents us with as good an opportunity as any to ask a question that gays have long been reluctant to broach: Namely, how has this half-literate typist been elevated from his day job of spewing Internet hatred to become one of the most prominent gay people in the country -- and the national face of a civil rights movement, no less?

A brief recap for those with better things to do than follow the every move of this attention-starved gossipmonger: At an after-party for the MuchMusic Awards in Toronto last month, Hilton -- a.k.a Mario Lavandeira -- called Black Eyed Peas front man will.i.am a "faggot." The singer was angry over Hilton's unflattering coverage of the band, which, given the popularity of PerezHilton.com (reported to have 14 million readers a month), has the ability to inflict a not insignificant amount of reputational damage. (Lavandeira's "reporting," if one can call it that, runs the gamut from drawing graffiti penises to drawing graffiti semen stains on paparazzi photographs of celebrities -- photographs he's been sued for stealing in the past). In response to Lavandeira's slur, the band's manager allegedly slugged the "Queen of all media" in the face, leaving him with a black eye.

In a seven-minute video "statement" that the CIA should consider forcing terrorist detainees to watch as an alternative to waterboarding, Lavandeira regales his legions of viewers with an account of the fisticuffs, crying for the duration like a petulant adolescent girl. The video could be used as a recruitment tape for homophobes; no actor could better portray the mincing, whiny, and catty homosexual stereotype that Lavandeira embodies. His teary rant is perfectly complemented by a revealing profile in this month's Advocate that shows Lavandeira to be equal parts vapid, dishonest, hypocritical, and as the author of the piece, Benoit Denizet-Lewis, writes, "not a deep or nuanced thinker," evident in that Lavandeira would actually say something like "Violence is never the answer."

And then there's this poetic gem: "Blood should never be drawn; another person should never be hit. That's why people die." (It does not come as a surprise that Lavandeira reads "no books.") No less a talent than Lady Gaga refers to him as "the ultimate tastemaker in popular culture right now," but such acclaim is akin to being praised by Arianna Huffington for intellectual consistency.

What makes Lavandeira's escapades more significant than a run-of-the-mill feud between two celebrities with massive egos is his recent emergence as a spokesman for gay equality. He was catapulted into this position in April, after his participation as a judge at the annual Miss USA pageant in Las Vegas. There, Lavandeira asked Carrie Prejean -- known now and forever as Miss California -- whether or not she supported gay marriage.