When Marisa
Miller married David Wolfson last year, the couple added a
statement to their vows that they both passionately believe
in the right of all people to marry regardless of
sexual orientation.
With gay friends
making up about 20% of the guests and two openly gay
religious clergymen officiating, it seemed appropriate to
note they felt "somewhat out of step with society's
views on marriage."
"I thought it was
really, really beautiful and very healing," said
Reverend Nate Walker, who presided with Rabbi Frank
Tamburello. "It brought tears to my eyes, thinking
that I am legally entitled to marry this wonderful
couple but I am not entitled to have the same joy in
my own life."
Such statements
have become more common at heterosexual weddings. But not
all gay guests appreciate the gesture. Some, like Pattrice
Jones, compare straight couples' efforts at solidarity
to a white person joining a whites-only country club
and making a quick statement of support for blacks who
are excluded.
"Just don't join
the club -- it's that simple," said Jones, a lesbian
author.
After a wedding
last year in which a straight couple read a statement of
solidarity with gay couples, Jones said her "gay friends
rang to tell me about it. They were horrified and
really annoyed. We all felt it was so wrong to grab
all the benefits that marriage gives you and just make a
little statement to calm your guilt."
According to gay
marriage activist Jim DeLaHunt, who is straight, it has
become more and more acceptable for straight couples to make
a gesture of solidarity at their weddings. He was
among the initial wave of straight couples to make a
statement when he and his wife, Kate, known as
"Ducky," celebrated their wedding in 1998. He thanked two of
his wife's gay friends, whose commitment to each other
persuaded her to marry.
"It was that
partnership that showed Ducky how it is possible to
survive stresses and strains of having two people fit
together. If she didn't have that example, I don't
think we would be marrying today," he said at his
wedding.
Other couples,
such as attorneys Kaethe Morris Hoffer and Matt Hoffer
Morris, choose to simply ignore gender-specific statements
in their vows and keep the ceremony as inclusive as
possible.
"We went to great
pains to ensure that our vows were gender-neutral,
because we wanted to get married in a way that anyone could
follow," Hoffer Morris said. At their wedding, the
couple promised to be take each other as "my beloved"
and promised "with God's assistance to be onto you
always a loving and faithful partner."
Their Quaker
service took place in Michigan, but they refused to get
officially married by the state because it did not recognize
gay marriage. They later flew to Boston to be legally
married.
Even Jones
concedes that some straight couples should get a pass, as
long as it's not a glib statement of liberal values.
"Ultimately, I'm happy for anyone who finds the right
person," she said.
For Miller and
Wolfson, the statement was far from glib. The couple used
their ceremony to reflect their wider social beliefs: The
catering was vegan, the dress came straight from the
designer instead of a department store that sold fur,
and the wedding chocolates were purchased through a
fair trade cooperative to help farmers in developing
countries.
Marisa Miller
Wolfson is sympathetic to gay rights advocates who say that
nobody should get married until everyone is granted the same
rights.
"I totally
understand that, but my own wedding just made me more
determined to get those rights extended to everyone," she
said. (Sean O'Driscol AP)
