Miss Calif. Should Watch Glee, Not Tyra

Ryan Murphy tackles the high school glee club, Tyra tries to dissect the gay kingdom, Hilary Duff goes method on SVU, and Ross Matthews still squeaks soprano.

BY Dave White

May 01 2009 12:00 AM ET

Ross Mathews x390 (screen grab) | advocate.com

While I waited for the
replacement TiVo to show up, I got to watch some TV in real
time. So many shows are on the air that I've never seen or
heard of. Like that sitcom with David Spade. About some people
who are married, I think. Who watches that? I'll watch Sci Fi
Channel movies like
Mansquito

over and over before I get to shows like that, which could be
part of the problem.

But I was grateful to
real-time network television for the chance to enjoy Hilary
Duff go gritty but still have perfect hair on an episode of
Law & Order: SVU.

She was the young, trashy, irresponsible party girl who leaves
her infant with a person she doesn't know and then the kid gets
killed. It was great, a Max Fischer Players version of
Gone Baby Gone.

When Hilary whines in her best one-note delivery, "I DIDN'T
KILL MY BABY!" not only do you finally get the petulance she
was going for in the comedy
Material Girls,

where she played a spoiled heiress alongside her sister Haylie,
but you understand the deep, brave emotions of motherhood that
much better.

Getting back to Tyra's
observation about the feminine gay man's ubiquity in the media,
I also saw
Inside Dish With Ross Mathews.

It's his Web series that looks like it's made in the corner of
someone's studio apartment. Ross was that squealy gay kid who
was Ross the Intern on
The Tonight Show

where the joke was that he was super-excited about everything
and really, really gay.

That's still Ross's
thing. But now he gets to dress in a jacket and really nice
plaid necktie while interviewing Beyoncé about nothing
much at all. Some people are going to hate Ross for how he is.
Not me.

First of all, I'm
fascinated by extremely high-pitched voices in grown men. And
Ross's is high like in the way that people will think you're
trying fake to be a lady on the phone. And I
appreciate his aesthetic-of-emptiness approach to celebrities.
He just wants to pal around. I don't think he asked
Beyoncé one real question about
Obsessed.

Because really, who cares about the typical boring movie junket
question and rote answer besides the local news and
Extra

? No one, that's who. It's a better deal to sing "Halo" in
her presence to see how she reacts. Some may call you a
regression, Ross, but I know you're just out there hustlin' for
that paper.

And yes, I'm late to
the party on this one, but isn't Miss California awesome? She's
crazy tall with those big round fakeys we all enjoy so much,
got that snotty smelled-a-fart face on all the time when she's
not fake-smiling or telling journalists that their questions
for her are "inappropriate" in that way that only
conservative evangelicals can.

But I don't get the
fuss. In her original statement to Perez Hilton she said what
made the country great was that you could choose same-sex
marriage or "opposite" marriage. Which means she's for us
being able to get married to whomever we choose, right? That's
how I heard it.

Meanwhile her
commercial for the NOM NOM NOM people is also kind of amazing.
She's just one pie in the face away from being a Halloween
costume this fall.

Tags: Television

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