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Termites and Ho's

Termites and Ho's


The upside of pestilence? Discovering the new and improved world of Hollywood hustlers.

I recently i had to be temporarily displaced from my home because of a rather unsettling termite invasion. Instead of panicking, which would be my normal course of action, I decided to use this as an opportunity to treat myself to a lavish suite at a very hip and happening Hollywood hotel. I spent a lot of time in the hotel's vast eucalyptus-scented spa, mostly in the coed hot tub, where I was joined by a handsome young fellow who I had spotted frolicking all over the hotel grounds with an equally handsome yet much older gentleman. The young man and I got to talking, and the conversation quickly grew intimate, as things tend to get when you are sharing water with someone.

He said, "Yes, I'm here with my daddy." And I said, "How precious! A gay father and son, spending time together! I adore gay families!" And then the young man leaned in closer and said, "No...I am here with my daddy...I'm a male escort." And I said, "OH! Oh, oh! OK! That's great!"

And I really did think it was great. Frankly, I think that prostitution should be legalized, with plenty of regulations to protect the brave men and women who have sex for a living. I have had sex with so many, many people I could have been a prostitute, if only I had thought to charge for my services. I would have made a lot of money and would probably be living in a house that didn't allow termites. The young man was so good-looking, so very Abercrombie & Fitch, so unlike the skinny, sallow, screaming speed-freak sex workers of my youth. These are not your father's male prostitutes. These are high-class Hollywood Ho's. Look out!

Hollywood Ho's are not exclusive to Hollywood. They are everywhere the elite go to meet and greet and get nasty. They are in the hotel rooms of senators all over the country. Larry Craig, the Republican senator from Idaho--or should I say, He's-the-ho--whose ho-scapades are well-documented all over the blogospheric grapevine, has been rumored to have had grotty, furtive, and very, very quick closeted gay man sex with eight different ho's including at least one professional. Wow, eight! Does Larry Craig have a MySpace page, and do these guys make up his Top 8? Who hasn't fucked their Top 8, really? The pro on Craig's Top 8 would be Mike Jones, the heroic ho who came forward to expose Ted Haggard, the crystal meth-possessing, massage-loving closet case minister from the New Life Church. I wonder if Larry Craig got Ted Haggard's sloppy seconds. Maybe Larry Craig is a filthy bottom like me and prefers sloppy seconds. It's all so lurid, I love it!

I don't judge anyone who frequents a prostitute. I would hire them myself if only they came in my type. Can I get one who looks exactly like Dani from A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila? There just aren't that many cute butch female firefighter prostitutes in my neighborhood, and it is just as well, because I need to save my money to pay for the termite exterminators, high-priced ho's in their own respect. What I find offensive about Larry Craig and Ted Haggard is their long-standing policy against gays and lesbians, their consistent efforts to ban gay marriage and limit our rights--all the while paying top dollar behind closed doors to go round the world with the men of their sad, secret, closeted dreams.

I am proud of the Hollywood Ho's who are brave enough to blast through the hypocrisy and tell all. Hollywood Ho's unite! From hot tubs and hotels to street corners and vacant lots--every darkened area all over the world. We're here! We're queer! We take MasterCard and Visa!

Advocate Channel - The Pride StoreOut / Advocate Magazine - Fellow Travelers & Jamie Lee Curtis

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