Colman Domingo
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17 Tips for Being a Better Top

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17. The pressure is not on.

If you simply hate topping, don’t top. This might mean turning down sex with sexy people, but if it isn’t something you enjoy, you cannot change that. There is no pressure in sex and never should be.  

My favorite poem is “The Gas Station” by C. K. Williams. It is about one of the author’s first sexual experiences as a child. He and some friends wandered through Times Square and met a hooker who gave them all blow jobs for $10 apiece. He felt cruel afterwards, like he had mistreated someone, and as an adult, he reflected on how fortunate he was that sex came to him innocently, without cruelty or abuse, as it does for so many.

He mentions the words that, if you are lucky, should describe your first sexual encounters: complicity, wonder.

If you take nothing else away from this, remember that sex at its best is complicit and wondrous. You want to be two co-conspirators in a naughty game; you want to enter into sex acts willfully, with curiosity and as equals.

This means there is never any pressure to perform. If you are being pressured, you are with someone who you should not have sex with. If you want to bottom, bottom. If you want to top, top. If you are a bottom who suddenly wants to top, you should top, and if you’re a top who wants to bottom, bottom. If your sex partner is someone who does not encourage your best self — if he does not make you feel sexy and safe, and if he discourages you from doing what you want to do — find a different sex partner.

Even if you’re a bottom, make sure you are with guys who make you feel on top of your game.

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