“The
coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San
Francisco.” Mark Twain wrote that, I’ve
heard—probably in between fly swats somewhere on
the Mississippi, sometime in July. San Francisco is probably
the only place in the Northern Hemisphere right now
where people are huddled around fireplaces, snuggled
in cable-knit sweaters, watching summer reruns.
Much has changed
by the Bay—the Mark Twain Hotel, once the
city’s only openly gay hostelry, is now a
Ramada brimming with German tourists trying on the S/M
souvenirs they are going to wear on that next business trip
to Hamburg. But the freezing summer weather remains a
constant. Like so many other elements of summer, you
can count on it. Along with the following events:
•
Massachusetts’s Wellfleet Drive-in has reopened for
the season. It’s the only drive-in near
Provincetown, hence the world’s only nearly
all-gay drive-in, as it was christened by no less a
cinematic eminence than John Waters, a summer
resident. My guess is it’s in the middle of a
10-week run of that Brad Pitt–Angelina Jolie picture.
• Foot
traffic on Fire Island will come to a halt when every
time-share in the Pines renames itself Wisteria Lane.
Many confusing home invasions will occur as a result.
• The
Hollywood Bowl fills with queens dressed as nuns for the
ritual summer Sound of Music sing-along.
Eyebrows will be raised when the Bowl announces a
special Labor Day sing-along Schindler’s List.
• A fan is
stung by a bee during one of Barbara Cook’s outdoor
concerts but refrains from screaming in agony, as he
knows Miss Cook is about to hit one of her high notes
and he does not wish to distract.
• Frantic
lesbian moms at Disney’s Animal Kingdom discover
their lost child being raised by a gorilla who sings
Phil Collins songs.
• In an
unrelated development, a young man innocently cruising along
Christopher Street in Greenwich Village is sent to St.
Vincent’s Hospital when he is knocked over by
two gay men chasing an out-of-control stroller with
wailing triplets.
• The
people who own the land on which rests Provincetown’s
legendary “dick dock”—once a
late-night cruising spot—will cover the area with
bleach in an attempt to keep the cruisers away. Several
injuries will be reported as men hit their heads on
the rocks attempting to get highlights.
• A drag
queen pageant in Saugatuck is won by 300 guys who come
dressed as Princess Padmé Amidala's funeral
procession from Revenge of the Sith.
• Also in
Saugatuck, an ambitious realtor will try to sell a
fixer-upper for above market, claiming it was Abraham
Lincoln’s summer time-share.
And before you
know it…the leaves will fall.
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