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POEM: The Gay Ending to Peter LaBarbera's Hateful Dr. Seuss Satire

POEM: The Gay Ending to Peter LaBarbera's Hateful Dr. Seuss Satire


'I do so like to kiss a man! Thank you! Thank you, Michael Sam!'


At the close of 2014, conservative activist Peter LaBarbera published a poem lambasting the kiss between out athlete Michael Sam and his partner, Vito Cammisano, when Sam was drafted into the NFL -- a kiss that caused outrage among antigay commentators.

LaBarbera's piece was published on the site of his organization, a hate group, as classified by the Southern Poverty Law Center: Americans for Truth About Homosexuality.

The poem, titled "I Saw the Kiss by Michael Sam. It Made Me Mad. He Kissed a Man!" is modeled after Dr. Seuss's popular lyrical children's book Green Eggs and Ham. In his satirical version, LaBarbera spoofed verses such as "I do not like them, Sam I am / I do not like green eggs and ham" with lines like his title.

LaBarbera went on to list all of the places--TV, football games, boats, etc.--that he does not wish to see a man kiss another man, a list that segues into an argument that same-sex attraction is a choice and that gay men should undergo conversion therapy and accept Christ into their lives.

Now, some may argue that the act of penning nearly 100 lines of verse obsessing over a same-sex smooch is a strange method of antigay activism. After all, poetry -- with its rhyme, style, and creative flair -- is the gayest of the writing mediums.

However, the poem published by LaBarbera is unfinished. Fans of Dr. Seuss will recall that the narrator in the original text, while initially repulsed by green eggs and ham, changes his opinion after he tastes them. ("I do so like / green eggs and ham!") The book is a lesson to children that one should not judge a food (or a person, practice, or idea) before one tries it himself.

Applying this logic, LaBarbera will one day love to kiss men.

Once he is able to confront and overcome his initial prejudices, readers might expect a happy ending. In that spirit, The Advocate has adapted the original text to give LaBarbera's poem its natural conclusion, turning what was initially repulsive to the narrator (kisses with men) to something embraced. Here is his original text, and our adapted happy ending is in bold below.

"I Saw the Kiss by Michael Sam. It Made Me Mad. He Kissed a Man!"

By Peter LaBarbera

I saw the kiss by Michael Sam.
It made me mad -- he kissed a man!

That's something I don't want to see
It's wrong, unnatural, and it's not just me.

Many now say, "Homosexuality is OK."
But God says there's a better way.

He made men for women, and women for men.
So why are "gays" so prideful then?

Please, no public same-sex kisses, Michael Sam.
We don't want to see this man-on-man!

Not in a boat, not in a car
This public perversion goes too far!

Not in the store or on a bus
This same-sex stuff, it brings disgust.

Not at the movies or on TV
It's wrong, unnatural, can't you see?!

I don't want my kids to think it's right
So please, please, keep it out of sight!

Why is it always in our faces?
This sin -- celebrated in so many places?

Even at football and baseball games
We have to pretend homosexuality's the same.

Young kids exposed to same-sex acts,
When parents just wanna' have fun and relax.

"Well," said Michael Sam, "let me ask you this:
"Do you get mad when men and women kiss?!"

Man and woman, that's Nature's way.
As long as there's not too much PDA.

"But can't you see, it's who I am?!
"I'm gay, accept me!" begged Michael Sam.

I disagree -- it's not who you are, it's what you do.
Hey, haven't you had a girlfriend or two?

Yes, but this is now and that was then.
My "sexual orientation" ... hey, it's towards men!

No, Michael Sam insisted, I'm gay.
Can't you see I was born that way?

Why must you hate gays like me?
"Hate?" I said. "I don't hate you, I just disagree!"

You already changed from straight to perverse.
Why can't the process work in reverse?

Many like you once thought they were that way.
But they left homosexuality behind and are now EX-gay!

Men like DL Foster and Stephen Black
Who lived as "gay" for years but then turned back.

And EX-lesbians, too, like Charlene Cothran.
Have left the "gay" life to follow God's plan.

Besides, homosexuality's not safe; you should see ...
The alarming stats on MSM [men who have sex with men] from the CDC.

Almost every case of young male HIV
Is linked to the practice of gay sodomy.

Sure, the PC sports writers will all say
They couldn't be happier that you're "gay"

Some have compared you with the great 42.
But he broke the color barrier;
Homosexuality's just a sin people DO!

I do not mean to pick a fight
When I say most Blacks don't think homosexuality's a "civil right."

Far from a "right," Michael. In fact, it's wrong.
Must I put this in a song?

Michael shot back: "Not wrong at all, it's who I am!
"I'm gay. My name is Michael Sam."

"God made me black and blessed me with gayness."
Blessed you?! Then why are so many diseases linked to "sex" in the anus?

No, God made you black -- not 'gay,'" said I.
"You've chosen to believe a lie!"

You can't change your skin color, that's a fact.
But homosexuality? That's only an act.

And conduct we don't want to see -- at all!
Not on a train, or at the mall.

Not at the beach or in the gym.
Don't be a poster boy for sexual sin!

We don't want to see your "gay" kisses.
God's ideal for sex and love homosexuality misses.

But I will pray for you, Michael Sam.
I'll pray to the One who told Moses, "I AM WHO AM."

If you believe in Jesus and turn from your sin,
Behold God's kingdom: He'll welcome you in!

Just remember, it's God, not man, we answer to.
And He's prepared a virtuous path for you.

No, He can't bless your same-sex behavior.
But He'll give you an "abundant life" with the Savior.

And no "hate" here -- just God's people's love for the lost.
A price was paid for my sins and yours, at great cost.

Thanks for the chat,
I hope you see ...

That you and I can disagree
Without me hating you, or you hating me.

Michael Sam:

You do not like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them and you may I say.

Peter LaBarbera:

Michael Sam!
If you will let me be,
I will kiss a man.
You will see.

I do so like to kiss a man!
I do! I like them, Michael Sam!
And I will kiss them in a boat.
And I will kiss them on a float.
And I will kiss them in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
They are so good so good you see!

So I will kiss them in a box.
And I will kiss them in their socks.
And I will kiss them in a house.
And I will kiss them in a blouse.
And I will kiss them here and there.
Say! I will kiss them anywhere!

I do so like
to kiss a man!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Michael Sam!

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Daniel Reynolds

Daniel Reynolds is the editor of social media for The Advocate. A native of New Jersey, he writes about entertainment, health, and politics.
Daniel Reynolds is the editor of social media for The Advocate. A native of New Jersey, he writes about entertainment, health, and politics.