Michaela Jae Rodriguez
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Looking Back: 5 Ways to Totally Lose a Guy in 10 Minutes

The “boring” argument often lobbed against Looking, as in the show is dull as this year’s Oscars, may fall away completely after Sunday’s episode, the penultimate of the first season. All three main characters screwed up royally with the men in their lives and it bit them in their tight asses. The boyfriends, crushes, friends, whatevers of the main characters didn’t act too stellar, either — more bad behavior all around, but that’s never boring. Here are the best f-ups of last night’s Looking:


Totally Losing It

Patrick was understandably anxious before his sister’s wedding — his mother was nagging him about him picking up her phone at the hotel, he was late, he got a parking ticket, and he couldn’t put together a bow tie. To top it off, Richie showed up with a coffee stain on his shirt but made up for it by looking absolutely adorable. He also deftly pointed out that Patty adds “totally” to every sentence when he’s stressed. Richie didn’t help matters when he fiddled with Patrick’s tie while they were driving, sending the car perilously close to the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge. Richie, being a bit of a drama queen, ordered Patrick to pull over (on the bridge!). When they found a spot that was not directly over San Francisco Bay, Richie whipped out a bag of weed and told Patrick to light up so he’d relax. A sorta weird suggestion since it’s a black tie wedding (did anyone have Febreze??). “You brought pot to my sisters’s wedding? To meet my family? What the fuck are you doing? I’m not gonna smoke a joint now,” Patrick shot back like a sanctimonious DEA agent. Richie was offended and took off, which was almost as dramatic as Patrick’s reaction. This meant Patty had to go to the wedding solo; always a bridesmaid.


Under Pressure

Lynn, Dom’s business partner, snagged a pop-up restaurant space for them to debut their Portuguese chicken restaurant, which shall change the earth. They only have 28 hours to turn the former dump into something respectable for San Francisco’s “Foodie Fuckers,” as Doris puts it, and stress levels are high. Lynn, who we all thought was a rock, is being neurotic, obsessing over details, and driving Dom crazy. When Lynn pitches a minor fit at Dom not greeting customers as host — former Marie Callendar's hostess Doris was going to handle that — the latter loses it and brings up the m word (money). He thanks Lynn for funding the operation but tells him he’s treating him like a teenager. Lynn tosses the restaurant's keys at him and takes off. Much strife in San Francisco but, damn, does Dom look good in a pair of jeans.


Hookers Are Never Good for a Relationship

The character of C.J. the hooker is pretty terrible (he has a bloated sense of self), yet he’s enraptured Agustín and Auggie’s BF Frank, who have both slept with him for the sake of art (kinda). The photos of Frank and C.J. are in fact not art, as aspiring artist Agustín has discovered, just porny and creepy. Agustín cancels the showing of the photos and comes clean to Frank that C.J. was paid to sleep with him. “You can’t even pay rent!” Frank screams mid-hike (a fight while hiking — so California). They later have a quiet talk where Frank explains that their relationship has hit the wall and Agustín needs to hit the bricks. “I’m done, you got to get your shit out … I don’t want to live with you anymore.” Whoa, this is the most real we’ve seen Frank be and it’s great. Let’s hope it’s not the last. Either way, the main boys of Looking are 0-3.


Mommie Dearest
Patrick’s mother is a big part of this episode. Speaking in a haughty accent that comes off like a weird interpretation of WASP-ese, Mommie Murray complains her way through the wedding. During a quiet moment, Patrick confronts mama, telling her it’s her fault Richie isn’t at the wedding since Patrick freaked out over her constant judgment and drove Richie away because of the anxiety. Patrick describes Richie as a hairdresser with little ambition and blames his mother for not approving of that, when he’s the one who is clearly unhappy with Richie’s situation. Mrs. Murray says Patrick can’t blame her for Richie. “If he’s not here, it’s on you, sweetie,” she says not too gently. She then slides a marshmallow krispie pot treat into her mouth (irony!) and tells him she ingests pot instead of downing an antidepressant. She also scolds him for not knowing she was blue, saying he never asks about how she’s doing. Good point, but kind of bitchy. Mommie Murray is totally as good with men as her son.


Pretty on the Outside

Surprise! Patrick’s adorable Brit boss, Kevin, is at the wedding with his own boyfriend, John (they know Patrick’s future brother-in-law or something; whatever was explained was impossible to decipher via the mumbling). Patrick’s uptight mother amusingly thinks Kevin is Richie, and the latter does act like Patty’s boyfriend, tying his tie, cracking jokes, being cute. Patrick’s sister tells Kevin — in front of Patrick and John — that he should marry John. Kevin seems highly uncomfortable and says, “Yes, maybe, one day, darling.” Both Kevin and his boyfriend turn to the sauce to recover and the results are messy. Kevin, sloshed, follows Patrick into the bathroom and complains that John is drunk. Then, with the worst timing imaginable, Kevin tries to lay one on Patrick, who pushes him away. Kevin runs away like a lost little child, and it’s clear that the shiny surface — rockin’ bod, hot job, seemingly healthy relationship — is covering up a lot of messiness. Again, not boring!


Best Achievement in Dessert Arts: Cake Pop Cake

That weird-ass cake freaked everyone out, including the viewers. Where does one order something like that? Starbucks? (Next week: the season finale!)

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