It was bound to happen sooner or later. In a year that’s already blurred the line between reality TV and turning the U.S. into a dictatorship, it’s hardly a stretch to imagine Donald Trump debuting his own late-night show, given his obsession with the genre,
And his fixation, his mania for being in our face, day and night.
He has already claimed he’s the best person to host the Kennedy Center Honors, and now comes word that he’s hosting a UFC fight on the White House lawn on his birthday next summer.
So why not Late Night With Donald J. Trump? After all, the man has been doing stand-up comedy, unintentionally of course, for years. Between insults, exaggerations, and boasts of being “right about everything,” Trump has already written a year full of monologues.
There’s proof that Trump would get “high ratings,” because the Trump effect did wonders for Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert. And by using Trump as a punch line, they’re keeping those ratings high.
Related: Trump hosting the Kennedy Center Honors will be like watching a crappy variety show from the 1970s
Trump would designate others for the punch lines; however, if he had to, he could keep them focused squarely on himself, and then truly ensure he’d be a hit. He could build his openings around being the master dealmaker who never makes a deal, the peacemaker who never makes peace, and the self-absorbed “stable genius” whose only real attribute is unstable craziness.
Remember, this is the guy who in 2016 said, “I alone can fix it,” which by now we know means, “I alone can break it.” The line has truly become the running gag of his entire political career. Cue the laughs.
He claims to have stopped seven wars. And that he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. That is not only LOL, but no one in history has ever stopped seven wars. That’s bonkers. I’m assuming he thinks the Nobel board is obsessed with late-night comedy like he is.
He gave his routine a run-through last week, testing it out on a room full of rigid generals who prohibit themselves from partisanship.
Yet I can’t help but think that behind those stoic expressions, you can bet they were biting their lips and tongues so as not to laugh. I imagine them leaving the room, saying to each other,, “This guy should replace Kimmel!”
Related: The 14 funniest lines from last night’s roast of Donald Trump at the DNC
Then there was the Alaska Summit, which in and of itself would make for a great Netflix comedy special. It was just a perfect example of how Trump’s book The Art of the Deal is pure fiction. The book could be the basis of a television series, like The Handmaid’s Tale.
He bizarrely rolled out a red carpet for Vladimir Putin, complete with an "ALASKA 2025" sign that looked more like a banner outside of a yard sale. Then that goofy photo op, all of which went kaput when Putin left early, returning to Russia to resume bombing Ukraine.
Related: Two 70+ year-old men with unmoored morals meet in Anchorage, Alaska for...nothing
It looked really bad at the time, but then soon after, China’s Xi Jinping outshone him like the sun swallowing up the moon in a total eclipse. And trust me, this is nothing to gloat about. Xi hosted Putin high above Beijing’s biggest military parade in history, while Trump, left in the cold, had to settle for a couple of Air Force flyovers for an unimpressed Putin.
One thing that works in comedy and joke telling is contrasts, so there you go.
Trump’s so-called dealmaking skills, better known as being the butt (no pun intended) of the joke, is the hilarity he’s unleashed so far during the government shutdown. House Speaker Mike Johnson, Senate Majority Leader John Thune, and Trump have been all over the map on their messaging, most especially Trump.
Democrats, at least so far, seem to be sticking to the script, protecting health care and tax credits around Obamacare, while the GOP lunges for a reason to justify its objectives.
Trump, in dramatic improv fashion, said something that is purely farcical, “We have a negotiation going on right now with the Democrats,” he said confidently. “That could lead to very good things, and I’m talking about good things with regard to health care.”
Johnson and Thune were blindsided, because apparently, they hadn’t been booked for that gig. Within hours, Trump backtracked, as usual, but not before turning the GOP shutdown into a one-man comedy of errors.
Trump didn’t stop here. He mused publicly that maybe federal workers who miss paychecks during the shutdown shouldn’t get back pay at all; never mind that he himself signed the law guaranteeing it after the 2019 shutdown.
While his stupidity is hilarious, government workers won’t be laughing at that one.
None other than Phyllis Diller wannabe Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted about how the Democrats are basically right about their health care efforts while tearing into her own party: “Not a single Republican in leadership talked to us about this or has given us a plan to help Americans deal with their health insurance premiums DOUBLING!!!”
So here’s the thing about Trump’s proposed late-night show: We would never know whether we’re watching a tragedy, a sitcom, or science fiction. His timing is bad, his delivery is worse, and he never shuts up.
The difference between Trump and an actual late-night host is that when a real comic bombs, they admit it and move on. Trump, meanwhile, would insist that the audience is wrong, that the jokes killed, the ratings were “through the roof,” and the critics are just jealous.
If Trump wants a new gig, and I think we all agree that he needs to find something else to do, late night might be the perfect fit. He’s already mastered the monologue, thrives on applause, and has a penchant for turning serious subjects into full laugh-on farces.
But reality is not the farce of Donald Trump telling jokes at 11:30 each night. Instead, at that time, he’s wallowing, whining, and spewing nonsense and hate on Truth Social. And what he’s saying isn’t funny. And what he does the next day is ruining lives.
And that’s not something to laugh about.
Voices is dedicated to featuring a wide range of inspiring personal stories and impactful opinions from the LGBTQ+ community and its allies. Visit Advocate.com/submit to learn more about submission guidelines. Views expressed in Voices stories are those of the guest writers, columnists, and editors, and do not directly represent the views of The Advocate or our parent company, equalpride.
Charlie Kirk DID say stoning gay people was the 'perfect law' — and these other heinous quotes